Do You Enable Someone You Love: What Is Codependency
We hear a lot today about enabling someone or being codependent. It is used in the addiction context to discuss a way someone displays inappropriate care for a person and allows the destructive or self-destructive behavior of a person to continue. The enabler needs the other person to depend on him. There is an excessive degree of involvement with the addict and a difficulty in exercising tough love.
Before identifying yourself as a codependent or enabler, you should take into account many things. People should not label themselves as codependents without reviewing their personal environment and situations. Being sympathetic or compassionate towards the problems of a suffering individual does not mean that you are a codependent. On the other hand, if you allow an active alcoholic or addict to live with you free of charge and pay all his bills, then you need to look at your behavior. The simple reason is you are enabling them to carry on with their destructive behaviors towards you and themselves. Of course, there is a level of genuine love and care about the person who is an addict. However, there is often a strong projection on the person and he is your "project" to reform. If their destructive behavior continues for years, then you may unknowingly sabotage the chances of the individual getting better. On an unconscious level there might even be a fear that if the person does heal and get better they will leave and move on.
If you grew up with a parent that was an alcoholic or drug user, this often leads to codependency. Without self-knowledge, it can also result in marrying someone like your parent who also suffers from an addiction. In order to overcome codependency, it is helpful to attend group support meetings. By hearing about ways that others give money and nurture someone with an addiction, often insights occur into your own behavior. You start to ask why you are giving money to someone you know will end up using it for drug or to buy vodka.
Often an enabler is not used to thinking about their own needs and what they want. This is an important exercise to do. Everything usually is focused on the other person: Did he drink today? Did he pay his car payment? There is almost a relief in not focusing on oneself but worrying about someone else. Gaining insight into yourself is the best way to help another person and break free from the cycle.
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