Should I shop online or offline? A shoppers' guide.

I went shopping with my wife the other day, to a British city centre nearby. My ordeal lasted ten hours. During many idle moments, I compiled this rough guide for shoppers who are unsure whether to shop online or offline in future.

I decided that shoppers SHOULD shop offline, at a nearby shopping centre, if they:

* Enjoy getting up early, to drive through slow-moving traffic and secure cheap parking places. * Aren't too worried if their parked cars are scratched or bumped anonymously whilst they're out shopping. * Thrive outdoors in the British climate, and are impervious to rain, hail, snow, wind, heat, frost, fog etc. * Welcome walking from shop to shop, to find what they or their partner needs, at the best prices. * Don't panic when their partner says that s/he wants to try an eighth store for a ‘special something'. * Like driving and/or walking back to stores, if goods are faulty, the wrong size or they forget something. * View the carrying of heavy plastic bags, which slice into their hands, as a form of exercise. * See avoiding pickpockets, thieves and robbers as a bit of ‘sport' too. * Tolerate sinister young men with a taste for lager, lurking in boisterous groups on street corners. * Humour young parents with 4x4 buggies and/or unruly, unrestrained toddlers that scream loudly. * Think retired people should only go shopping at the weekends and in the evenings, at the same time as people who work. * Believe wide friends have the right to amble slowly side-by-side, in ways that block pavements and passageways. * Don't mind being buffeted by other hungry shoppers, also trying to secure tables at eating outlets. * Shrug-off the astronomic prices in shopping centres, for snacks and drinks of indifferent quality. * Enjoy dodging cars, vans and lorries, and feel they belong in city centres during shopping hours. * Think that second-hand cigarette smoke and vehicle fumes add a ‘certain something' to shopping. * Relish sharing strangers' viruses, bacteria, body odours, exotic language, odd habits etc. * Are tolerant of shop assistants' occasional bad manners, surly behaviour and incompetence. * Like queuing, smelly toilets and litter, and/or removing dog mess and chewing gum from shoes or buggy wheels. * Enjoy finding quiet spots in otherwise confined, crowded and claustrophobic public spaces. * Think graffiti really is an art form, and smile when shop maintenance goes unattended for weeks. * Shrug their shoulders if shops open only when it's convenient for owners, staff (and politicians). * Remove carefully the flyers left furtively under their windscreen wipers whilst parked and read them avidly later.

I could go on but, if you identify yourself with most of these phenomena, then you probably should shop at a shopping centre nearby. If, like me though, you find many of them irksome, you might consider shopping online instead next time