Communication in Relationships - Is There Such a Thing as Bad Communication

Communication is good, right? Personally, I believe it's next to impossible to have a healthy, rewarding relationship without it. Sure, the level of required communication depends on your level of intimacy with the person you are communicating with. But, can open communication ever be destructive, even when the communicator thinks they are providing a helpful message for the recipient? I would say it all boils down to knowing your audience. Think about what you are about to convey, and then try to predict how your recipient is going to react. Is the message sensitive or volatile enough to destroy the relationship you currently have? If so, it's best to think twice. Sounds simple enough, right?

Take this story, for example. I know a woman that, for her whole life, carried resentment about how her father raised her. This story begins when she was 50 years old and her father was 72. She felt she had not been nurtured and supported as much as she needed when she was growing up. Her father was a "hard-liner". We all know the type. A man made of mostly discipline and not enough encouragement, keeping his feelings to himself. Something compelled the woman to spill her guts and write her father a letter. In this letter she described how she felt about her relationship with her father. She pointed out many of the shortcomings in her life and how she felt he was the cause of them because she "didn't get what she needed from him". She pointed these things out in a very polite manner; obviously assuming her father would understand and feel compassion for her. What actually happened was quite the contrary. The father was very angry after reading her letter and felt he was being attacked. What was once an acceptable relationship was now broken beyond repair. At the time the daughter wrote the letter, she thought it would benefit her to get those things off her chest and didn't take time to ponder how her father would deal with such things.

The case above could be considered "bad communication" as it damaged the relationship it was meant to improve. Here are some things you might want to consider before initiating a discussion with someone, especially when your message contains sensitive, blaming or potentially negative information.

1. What do you expect to accomplish with your message? 2. Try to predict how your audience will respond. Are you prepared for an unexpected outcome? 3. Is it so important for you to get your message across that it's worth the risk of breaking the relationship? In some cases it may be, such as a case with a friend or spouse. 4. If you predict that your message may cause undesirable results, you may want to use a good friend or family member as a sounding board, so you can clear your head of your thoughts. Even more so, it can be very beneficial for you to write the person a letter but never deliver it. I believe this works better than spilling your guts to a third party. 5. You can ask advice from a trusted friend or family member (especially if they know the recipient of the message). However, always make the final decision on what to do. Your advisor probably has nothing to lose and may not give you proper advice in the matter.

Relationships are important in everyone's life, whether with friends, family, business associates or complete strangers. For that reason, care should always be taken on how to communicate sensitive information. Can communication be a bad thing? I think it always depends on the circumstances. Sometimes you need to choose to hold back or potentially lose the relationship.