How to Develop Your Personality Through Dating
"What kind of person are you looking for?"
We have asked this question to many people time and time again and the same type of answers is given:
"I want someone who makes me feel good."
"I want someone who can make me laugh."
"I want someone who treats me with respect."
"I want someone who is kind and generous."
One simple question can evoke many of the same answers and often times those are exactly what we hear. The truth is that each one of these answers has something to do with a personality trait that someone is looking for. We tend to spend a lot of time working on our physical characteristics but very little on our personalities. Yet overwhelmingly it is our personalities that cause us to fall in love.
Building your personality is a lot like building muscle mass. You have to spend time developing your personality or you will lose the progress you've gained. We tend to overlook our internal self and substitute our lack of personality with an over abundance of external.
Think about it like this: imagine for a moment that you own a house. You walk outside one day to notice a crack in the foundation. Your house is sloping down on one side and you begin to panic. "I need to fix this before my house is ruined!" You decide that what you need is to build a new garage and that will fix the house. You build a beautiful new garage and the house is still sloping even worse now. So you panic again and decide that you need a new balcony. You build that and the house soon slopes even more.
It would be insane to build a garage when there's a crack in the foundation of your home. But that's exactly what we do when we choose to ignore personal development. We keep adding external components to a house that has a foundational issue. When we take the time to build our personalities it's the same as fixing the crack in the foundation.
There are several ways to build your personality but for the sake of this article we're going to specifically focus on how to develop your personality to enrich your dating life.
Take your passions and make it happen
It's important to know what you're passionate about. Men and women alike connect deeply to someone who has a deep understanding of what they really enjoy. If you're passionate about your comic book collection, someone else might not be. However, the mutual respect that one can obtain from expressing something they love is very substantial; it's how we all communicate it.
If you're passionate about something then you want to be able to share that part of your personality. I am extremely passionate about playing guitar. When I first meet a woman I talk about my love for playing guitar and how it has been such an amazing journey, from starting with beginner things to learning more advanced concepts.
You MUST take your passions and let them display your personality. Ever notice how people light up when they talk about something they love? That's because they've tapped into their passions and it builds a connection with who they are. People don't need to have all the same passions as you. They just want to know that you're passionate about SOMETHING.
What are you passionate about?
Personality Development Exercise: Take 5 minutes right now and write down 5 things that you are passionate about. If you cannot come up with 5, then it's time to get some hobbies. Try martial arts, skiing, snowboarding, fencing, sports or anything you can think of. Worst case scenario is you don't like it and you end up with an awesome story.
Develop your sense of humor
Having a sense of humor is ranked amongst the highest attractive traits that a women desires in a man. This doesn't mean you need to be a stand-up comedian to attract a mate. It means that being funny displays your personality. Humor is a sure fire way to show others the type of person you are.
The biggest key to being funny is to simply amuse yourself and say what makes you laugh. When you're laughing and truly enjoying yourself, it is the ultimate display of your personality. Laughing is contagious and people will be drawn to the positive energy you give off. Far too often we are self-conscious about displaying humor in fear of putting the other person off. The irony is that the opposite is true. If you don't display humor and you're always serious, you will push your potential mate away.
If you're really feeling stuck or that you don't know how to be funny, actively immerse yourself in humorous things. Watch some TV stand-up specials, see a live comic, read some funny books, watch a good comedy flick, etc. It doesn't happen overnight but like anything else, the more you surround yourself with it, the easier and more natural it gets.
Personality Development Exercise: Take 5 minutes and write 5 things, shows, movies or jokes that you think are funny. Why are these things funny to you? How can you use them to display your own sense of humor.
Authenticity
Being completely authentic with who you are is very powerful. Many times people will try to exhibit behavior that is contrary to who they really are in order to impress that special someone. This behavior is not only destructive to their own personality but it is also destructive to their potential partner. They will build a false connection based in an inaccurate representation of who they are.
It's true that often times perception can lead to deception. But in the case of building your personality, you want to be authentic with whom you are down to the core. Not everyone is adventurous and has travelled the world. You don't need to be a professional skydiver to attract a great person, but you do need to be authentic with who you are. Authenticity shows an extreme amount of confidence which is universally the most attractive trait that one can have.
You want your potential partner to like you for who you are and not what you appear to be. Why build a relationship with someone who doesn't like you for YOU? You're family and friends love you for the person you are deep inside and you should look for someone who will do the same. Don't ever be afraid to be the real you. There are billions of people on this planet and I guarantee you can find someone who will appreciate your authentic self.
Personality Development Exercise: List a time that you faked an alternate personality or lied to impress a potential partner. What were your motivations for lying?
Building your personality through dating is a process in which you become your authentic self. You stop trying to hide traits that you feel will cause the other person to not like you. There is a quote that we use in our Pillars of Self Confidence Seminar, "I would rather be hated for who I am then loved for who I'm not." This quote cuts to the core of the matter and teaches us that we are a person to be loved just the way we are.
Through dating you can build your personality by displaying these characteristics at appropriate times. Keep in mind that this process takes time, effort, and lots of internal reflection. This is why I always suggest keeping a journal. It allows you to take a clear look at yourself and track your personal growth.
If we spend billions of dollars a year on products to keep our looks in order, shouldn't we put the same effort into keeping our personalities in order?
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Questions and Answers
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