Inner Peace Tip: Independence Within Yourself

As we step into this Independence Month, I invite you to look at the areas in your life where perhaps you could gain more independence. Is it having the courage to say “no” more often, without feeling afraid of how others would respond to you? What part of you is afraid to ask for what is important to you because you are concerned with how folks will view you? Where did so many of us learn that to ask for what is important to us, we felt that we were being selfish? When I work with folks I invite them to look at that part of themselves that is known as the inner critic. That part of us that learned at a very young age, what parts of ourselves were not OK to show up, that we hid away. Perhaps it was the part of ourself that was overly sensitive or loud, and was told by others that was not appropriate.

I would like to explain what I mean when I refer to a “part” of ourself. We are made up of many parts. We have a whole community of parts in our head. A part of us wants to do this and a part of us wants to do that. Many times our parts are not in alignment with each other. To live a life that is truly whole, is to live a life where all of our parts are in alignment with each other, which create congruence.

As children, we sense the world with our feelings. There's little discernment because we lack experience. Often these are the unfiltered parts of ourselves that pick up what is being said and notice when the words don't match the action. For instance, have you ever talked to someone who said one thing and yet acted in a completely different way? This is known as being incongruent or dissonant which creates confusion. We may notice and sense this and yet how many times do we disregard it because we question our inner knowing or intuition? This is our inner critic at work. That part of us that questions our knowingness because we may have been told at a very early age that what we felt was not the truth. The inner critic is clever and has learned ways to survive even if it meant that it caused us harm or discord. Initially the inner critic showed up to serve us. It's positive intention was to protect us, yet in over use it causes harm. The inner critic protects us by making us aware that what we are doing or feeling is not right. So, we are the one's who shutdown that part of us rather than letting someone else do it. If someone is afraid of asking for what they want, they may unconsciously set themselves up to be told no. For instance, someone could ask for a raise and be told that it's not time. Instead of standing up and saying that they deserved a raise, a part of them may agree with what the boss is saying and not feel confident enough to be assertive. It can do us harm because we may learn to shut out a very important part of ourself. When we can show up with all of our parts, warts and all, we ca truly be present in our life.

So, how do we begin working with honoring our inner critic thus creating more independence or freedom to show up with all of our wonderful parts? With gentleness and with practice we can begin to notice when we are not being congruent with ourselves and shift out of that. This begins with noticing when you feel empowered or dis-empowered with how your needs are being acknowledged. To notice, is the beginning of bringing the unconscious conscious. The inner critic is the unconscious part of ourself that often runs the show. To bring the unconscious forward we can see what we are dealing with and resolve it. To become witness to this with compassion and grace we can begin addressing those parts of us that we want to change.

Perhaps you could elicit the help of a friend, as you begin this journey. It's powerful to have someone be witness to your unfolding. One notice at a time, the awareness will increase.