Oops i did it again again
What makes a "virtuous" girl like me go against her principles? What makes people do the things they know they shouldn't?
Last night I did something I knew I shouldn't have. I took the flirting up a notch .
But really though, at what point do we forget or ignore the choices we so consciously made and just "go with the flow"? At what point after doing wrong do we become conscious of what we have done? During the process or after the deed is done?
In my case, I tend to justify my actions as I go along. Meaning I am aware of my actions as I carry them out, I am aware they are wrong or that they are things I have decided to not to do (my principles) and while doing them, I find reasons…excuses if you like, to justify why they are right at that moment in time. Another question is, at what stage in this entire process do we accept that what we did was wrong? Some of us carry on trying to convince ourselves that "there is nothing wrong with it" others quickly accept it was the wrong decision and try to rectify it-until we do the next wrong thing.
So when I email or text the ex-boyfriend I say I will never contact again, while typing, I come up with "solid" reasons why that particular email HAS TO be sent at that particular time. And then afterwards, see the error of my ways when the consequences present themselves.
So the way forward: Should we bother making any rules? Should we bother with the concept of principles and morals? It must be a bad thing to live without morals…it means one has no inhibitions. Or is that a bad thing? Living without boundaries?
It spirals out of control in my head…contemplating a life without boundaries means that i am contemplating a life where reputation doesn't matter. Oh I do worry about my reputation. I want people to think well of me, I will even go out of my way sometimes to be "liked".
Another thing for me is religion. My relationship with God is very important and as much as it is a life of freedom and free will, there are certain boundaries and values I need to uphold in order to honour God.
That now brings me to relationships…can you have a relationship with no boundaries, principles, rules? I doubt it. However subtle they are? They exist. There are things that we do or not do in order to have peaceful relationships. And when we slip up, we try to compensate don't we?
So back to me again! I have decided to be in relationship with myself. I cannot live my life without boundaries and without morals and since I am so concerned about reputation, I have come up with a personal solution: when I do a bad deed, I will try and compensate. So for instance, I did a bit too much flirting last night, so today, I went for a run! Ha!
When I have a chippy meal next time (which I have decided to cut out), I will think of a very creative positive act to do so I can forgive myself.
So after my "oops I did it again" moments, hopefully I will have "guess what I got for you" moments.
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