Self Improvement the Cool Way

When you start to expand in personal growth, you'll start to notice something. People will start to think that you are a cool person to be around.. kind of like Obama. Cool means unaffected, but cool people often also very attentive of other people's needs. They can relate to others who are different than themselves. They value their time and energy. They are often successful as well. Also, like James Bond,  they often have a sense of humor you see on comedy central. One of my greatest inspirations is the guy from the movie I Love You Man. Aware, wise, caring, funny, and always very conscious of other people.

I believe that being cool is important for spiritual growth and deep happiness. And I'll explain why in a moment. By the way, if you are atheist/agnostic, just think of spirituality as compassionate consciousness.

So what does it take to be cool? You have to be very honest with yourself. Notice, I don't say just be yourself. That is one of the most misguided advices. You can't be yourself if you don't know yourself. You just think you know yourself. But if you are like what I was, you probably have an overinflated view of yourself that you don't want to have destroyed. That's why a lot of people get nervous around certain people or in public speaking.

When you push your comfort zones, face your fears, and get feedback from people, you will be able to get a better glimpse in the mirror. No! Don't hide that mole. Admit it is there. Ask why it is there. Get out a microscope and look at it. Observe it and learn the necessary skill to remove it if you still prefer. Then you will truly see yourself enough to really "be more of yourself". If you are like a lot of people, stage fright and being yourself in front of others is a real challenge. I highly highly recommend you take a comedy improv class in your area. Look it up online. There are so many things spiritual about comedy improv. First of all, you have to be in the moment. The present moment is the ideal state of Zen Masters and Christian Mystics Secondly, you have to be light hearted, childlike (pretending), and spontaneous (not knowing what's going to happen next.) All of these things are very spiritual. When I first joined improv, it knocked the false cool out of me so fast cause I realized how frozen and helpless I was.

A lot of people, especially very smart people, will deny they have a problem and say they have a superior way. They plan everything out and have their expectations set in stone. Life doesn't flow and unfold magically anymore. They cut off the river of life's spontaneity! Psychologically, they have a superiority complex. I know because I am one of those very smart people… Okay… and I have a superiority complex too, but I'm working on it alright?! Anyway, one of the greatest reliefs in my life was to find out that I am actually not that smart. All that thinking and knowing and idealizing of myself as this super person was causing me to have perfectionist-expectations to the point of where I was somewhat obsessive compulsive.

You know what these kind of people become? Self absorbed. They are so caught up with their problems that they seem selfish and un-relatable. They are neurotically picky and compulsive, and as a result, have very little to contribute to life, happiness, or survival. Other people avoid them as a result. But they feel powerful because of all their knowledge and certainty. And to some degree, maybe they do solve some life problems using their smarts, which is why they feel justified.

They go around giving advice to other people (projecting their own pain onto others), getting frustrated with others, and rarely finding faults of their own. Since they are so smart and perfect, there must be nothing wrong with themselves and something wrong with others and the world. Thus, they feel victimized quite often. Nerds love to argue logic and be right, because their smartness is their perceived salvation. That's all they have in this world. It's kind of sad.

Through some very painful experiences, I had to eventually wake up and ask myself where being so smart all the time really getting me? I may be a extreme case, but take heed to my warning that most people do this to some degree, and it is really hurting their lives. As I am recovering, it is becoming okay to admit that I really am scared or helpless or flawed as an average person in some ways. It even became more okay to say that, in ways, I was even more messed up than an average person. Being cool is about honesty. The truth will set you free!

Honesty is not about being hard on yourself. When you are frustrated or feeling negative, trust me, unless you are enlightened, you are not smart enough to really know what's going on with yourself, other people, or any given situation. For any given situation, there are thousands of perspectives and details you will never look at.

If psychologists, spiritual masters, and scientists could analyze your exact situation, I'm sure they could write a mountain of books detailing the real reasons for your predicament. And I'm sure it will shock you that a lot of your worries will have nothing to do with reality. Even if they do, you will see the situation so clearly, that there is only compassion and understanding. So how do you do this? After all, you don't have a team of experts to help you deal with hundreds of perspectives.

But you know what can deal with hundreds of perspectives and details in a flash? Your heart. Your intuition is found in your right brain and it is capable of piecing together thousands of logic sequences into a beautiful abstract graph that your mind can understand in a flash of genius! So just let go of all your expectations, frustrations, and ideals and let your heart work for you. Your puny logical left brain is not built to deal with such matters. It is made only to fill in the details and convey what the right brain has solved.

You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? Your right brain is the observer, understander, and genius solver. So use it to be more observant of reality instead of creating your own. What is really going on? Why is she feeling that way? Learn to wonder and be curious. Ask why. Watch and listen. And then wait patiently and stay cool. Chill out…

So to recap: Be honest with yourself, live in the moment, and stay cool.

So when you become more cool, what is it like? Well, as the coolest guy I've ever known… let me tell ya. This is pretty funny… but I just noticed that as I'm writing this, I'm wearing a black leather jacket with slick hair – no joke! I feel like I'm about to do a Grease musical. Okay, back to the topic. First of all, cool people know they are high value. They don't merely think they are high value or desperately hang on to delusions. They don't need to prove anything to others, because their happiness is so overflowing that it comes from inside out.

This overflow is so much have enough to share with other people. And since they are not trying to get happiness from other people or worried of what others think of them, they have the freedom to be concerned for others. They observe people carefully and are understanding of how they are feeling. This means they are socially calibrated – watching other people's body language, clothes, tone of voice, and listen to others carefully. They do this, in part, because they want to know how to make others happy too!

They carefully use their time and associate themselves with people they know will treat them with a high level of respect. They have fun and hang around other people who are also positive and fun, because they know they deserve positive emotions. They avoid situations where they are mistreated or have lots of drama.

Instead they fill their heads with happy thoughts and get rid of nagging negative thoughts that take up brain power. As a result, you'll notice they are mostly calm and slow moving like James Bond. This is because small problems are not given attention and big problems are solved with patience and grace. The secret is that they use more of their intuition (their heart), which is a lot more powerful and efficient than overanalyzing.

This frees them to be able to be spontaneous. Thus, they live in the moment and enjoy life. Being spontaneous, they can come up with much more creative  and realistic solutions to life's problems. Being spontaneous, they are also funnier because they are free from thinking too much in their subconscious mind. They are observing and playing like children. Couple that with confidence, and you've got a formula for some serious jokes.

Funny, positive, caring of others? No wonder people love them and think they have so much charisma! But let me remind you that if you are really cool, you won't care that much what other people think. You will be so happy unto yourself that it will feel better than winning Mrs. America or having a crowd of naked women throwing pickles at you while you stand on top of a pyramid wearing a Sun-God robe… sorry that's just my fantasy… and Val Kilmer's apparently. I love Real Genius. Watch it and look for the difference between nerd and cool.

One of the nerdy main characters is very likable. At least he is humble and vulnerable so. He cried at one point in the movie. In that way, he is a lot cooler than a lot of people who try to be cool or as seen as cool by others. By hanging around his wacky and free-spirited friend, he is well on his way to gaining true strength. So you can be really uncool while people think you are cool.

I also like Paul Rudd in I Love You Man. He has a sort of lameness too, but at least he is honest and aware of it. He admits to himself that it is lame and moves on in humor. He and his friend move forward with maturity and compassion, which I admire. And I think that makes them both very cool.

Here is a shocker for you if you get star-struck. A lot of Hollywood people may not be even as cool as you. How many of them are still stuck on image?  They may know what cool looks like and what it smells like, and but they don't know how to grow it from within. So they are able to borrow it from the costly image of corporate America and their elite social circles that they are privy to. So if you might be as cool or cooler than celebrities, that is even more reason to let go of your standards and expectations the media gives you.

Therefore, let go of your own knowledge and your high expectations that you have towards yourself and others. Start to listen and observe instead of thinking and defending. Be vulnerable and move forward with grace and openness. Let life teach you! Cool is spiritual. Cool is happy. Be cool and prosper!

I have been fortunate enough to get to know some of the coolest people ever and learn from them. Some of them have broken down and analyzed how they got to where they are. Then they shared it with me as teachers and friends. And lucky for you, my nerdy side is serving its purpose of translating those experiences into a 5 paged mini e-book. But! If you really want to be cool, the best way, as with language, is immersion. You won't become cooler by reading about it. Hang around people you think are cooler and happier than you. And take that damn improv class!