Gerry McDonnell

‘It takes me a long while to reach the stage where I feel comfortable enough with a partner to move things on to a physical level. When the time does finally arrive, I’m often so overcome with emotion that I’ll gently shed a few tears. Although this may just be a reaction to the mace.’

‘Tottenham may be as impotent as Melanie Chisholm’s boyfriend when sobriety arrives, but if they can’t ease past Hull in front of their own supporters they should rename the ground ‘White Flag Lane.’

‘Wayne Rooney may have played reasonably well against Croatia in midweek, but that performance is merely papering over the cracks. You can put lipstick on a pig - but you should never marry her in Italy.’

‘I drunkenly made a move on a waitress when I holidayed in Thailand. I won’t bore you with all the gruesome details, but let’s just say that she wasn’t the only one who received a large tip.’

‘If Tottenham do sell Berbatov in the summer, they should move to sign Ashley Cole and Shane Long. I believe Ashley would definitely be interested if Ramos promised to play three up front - especially if they’re Long, Bent and Keane.’

‘Tim Cahill has been castigated for using a goal celebration to show solidarity with his imprisoned brother. I find the criticism over-the-top, it’s not like he bent over and touched his toes - even I would be offended by the ‘Barton shuffle’.

‘Alzheimer's is the latest in a long list of illnesses to plague my father. I look back in fondness to the time when he was just a paranoid schizophrenic - it was nice that he has someone to talk to, even if he was out to get him.’

‘When it comes to relationships, there is one undeniable truth. It doesn’t matter how attractive a girl may be, how delightful her personality or how sparkling her conversation; sooner or later, the bint’s going to start to grate.’

‘Chelsea players are being a little bit naughty in constantly haranguing the referee. John Terry is the worst culprit, he’s definitely the master baiter. You have to like the 3/10 for a Chelsea win against Pompey; they’ll win with a little something in hand.’

Gerry McDonnell ponders the complex issues surrounding mental illness. As always, the easily offended should steer clear.