Leslie Cane

I heard from a wife who said: "my husband told me a few weeks ago that he intends to move out. We have not been getting along with one another for months. We have actually tried different things in an attempt to improve our marriage but, in the end, we just end up fighting or feeling frustrated. It just seems as if things deteriorate more. So now his theory is that if he moves us and gives us both some time to cool off that this is going to help us and our marriage."

I heard from a wife who said, "my husband has obviously been a little unhappy with our marriage for a while. He would always make sarcastic comments about not getting enough of my attention and not having enough "alone" time together. Well, last week he left me. He left a note saying that he doesn't know what he has to go to get my attention and to make me realize that he has needs too. I am so annoyed at this. I don't know how to respond. I don't want to reward him for his immaturity."

I heard from a wife who expressed it this way. "My husband initiated a separation. I fought him every step of the way, but he insisted and didn't give me much of a choice. He said that he needed time to think and to evaluate what he wanted out of his life. Well, now he's taking all this selfish time to find himself while I am having to handle all of the household chores and raising the children myself. I want him to regret being so selfish and just leaving us for his own self centered reasons."

I sometimes hear from wives who tell me that their husband is giving them some vague excuse for why he wants to separate. Sometimes, he will tell you that he doesn't like the man who he has become while being married or that he feels that marriage hasn't been good for him. He will sometimes allude to the fact that he feels that being married has held him back in some way.

I heard from a wife who said: "the other day, my husband said that he needed to be honest with me about something very important. I thought he was going to tell me that he lost his job or that we were struggling financially. But I was completely wrong. And I was completely blindsided when he said that although he still loves me, he is not happy being married to me."

I heard from a wife on my blog who said: "my husband was the one who decided to leave. I never wanted any sort of separation or break. He is the one who took the initiative to walk out the door because he thought he was unhappy within our marriage. But now it's been only two weeks since he left and every time I see or talk to him, he seems absolutely miserable. His whole demeanor is down. I try to ask him what is wrong with him. Why would he be miserable?"

I heard from a wife who said: "I knew that things weren't great in my marriage, but I never expected for my husband to leave me. I fully expected for him to stay and to try to work things out. But I came home from work last night and found a note saying that he left. So I asked him very directly if he wanted a divorce. Again, I got no real response. What am I supposed to make of this? Do men who leave their wives do so because they want a divorce?"

I heard from a wife who said: "my husband has become very distant to me over the last several months. He never shows me any affection. In fact, he pretty much ignores me. Recently, I decided that I just wanted to lay all of this on the table. So I flat out asked him if he loves me. He hesitated for a minute and said that sometimes he does, but he clarified that sometimes he "definitely does not."

I heard from a wife who said: "I am just not sure what my husband wants or expects from me. The other day, he pouted and told me that he didn't feel as if I paid enough attention to him or cared if he felt desired and loved. This, of course, is code for he does not think we have enough sex. He says he misses the playful person that he married. Just what does he want from me? Because I'm getting really tired all the way around."

Finally, yesterday we got into a huge fight over something very stupid. And in a fit of anger, he yelled 'you want to know why I've been acting so distant? Fine, I'll tell you. I'm not in love with you anymore.' I couldn't even get any words of response out of my mouth. How do you even cope with it when your husband is no longer in love with you?"