Open Adoption: Advantages for the Birth Mother
The trend today is for birth mothers to choose the open adoption. In the past, the birth mother didn't know anything about the family where her baby was placed and the adopting family didn't know anything about the birth mother. Times have changed to allow for various types of the open adoption, whatever the birth mother and adoption parents choose. Here are five advantages for why a birth mother should choose an open adoption.
- Control. With an unexpected or unwanted pregnancy, a birth mother can sometimes feel her life is out of control and her choices are limited. An open adoption, however, gives the birth mother the chance to think about what she really wants for her baby. She will have the opportunity to choose her child's future parents by looking at a biography. While these adopting family biographies may not include every single detail about the adopting couple, they will include pictures, goals, dreams, financial and health information. Each biography's layout and production can also give the birth mother an idea about the creative abilities of the family she is choosing to adopt her baby. A birth mother can take her time, study the adopting couple through their biography and compare goals and dreams. In the end, the birth mother has the control of who will be allowed to adopt her baby.
- Open adoptions reduce doubts and fears. In an open adoption, the birth mother often gets to meet the couple who will adopt her child. Talking with the couple, getting to know them better, asking questions and listening to their answers can remove many of the fears and doubts. If the adopting family agrees to send letters, pictures and perhaps allows you some contact with the child, if you would like, it can help the birth mother set aside the worries of what's happening to her child and experience a sense of peace.
- Mourning. Whether you are truly decisive in allowing your child to be adopted, or know it is the right thing for the child, but have worries, the birth mother will always feel some type of mourning and guilt. It is important to understand these feelings are normal and important. But it is vital you allow yourself the time and the counseling provided by the adoption agency. In an open adoption, these feelings can be minimized as you know and have talked to the adoption family. With an open adoption where the birth mother is allowed an on-going relationship and receives communication with and about the adopted child, there may be less mourning and guilt.
- Birth mother/child relationship. If you and the adopting parents choose to have an ongoing relationship where the birth mother can write, see pictures, talk to and perhaps be around the adopted child, there is a good possibility that it will be a win/win situation for everyone, especially the child. It is important to note, however, that if the birth mother or adopting family wants this type of relationship; both sides will need to sign a form of reminding agreement. This agreement will spell out the terms of the open adoption and what can and cannot be done by the birth mother and what type of relationship is agreed to by the adopting parents. This agreement is not legally binding; however, courts have yet to uphold these types of agreements. It will remind the birth mother and the adopting parents of what they agreed to and if they are honest with each other, they can renegotiate or change the open adoption agreement to be a better fit later in the child's life.
- Understanding your feelings. A birth mother might be all excited to agree to an open adoption where she will have an expanded relationship in the adopted child's life: pictures, letters, presents, visits, etc. The open adoption, while a valuable tool that is comforting, helpful, may be in the best interest of the adopted child and provide a glimmer of hope to the birth mother, feelings may change. An open adoption may not feel all that glamorous after the birth mother has signed the relinquishment papers, which are legally binding documents giving up the child. The birth mother may feel the contact with the child is more like a burden, an obligation, a duty. The birth mother may actually feel a sense of relief knowing that the child is being well cared for, and want to move on. If and when these types of feeling occur, it is important to communicate your feelings to the adopting family. Perhaps the birth mother would like to see the child more or not at all. The adopting family can't guess what is in the birth mother's mind, just as the birth mother can's guess what is in the adopting family's mind if they have changed their mind, want to void the open adoption agreement, and want to discontinue all contact. It is vital that in either of these cases, the birth mother avail herself of the adoption agency's counseling. The agency's counselors understand what both parents are going through and can provide that vital insight to help deal with those feelings.
Hopefully this article will help both those placing a child and those adopting. Study out what your "feelings" are before you make decisions and you'll have a much happier experience.
Questions and Answers
Open adoption, closed adoption, semi-open adoption, these types of adoption can bring happiness or sorrow depending on the adoption agency you use. Bottom line: it's the adoption agency that either helps you continue with the open adoption or makes a mess of things and provides no after placement services at all. Here are five important rules to follow when working with an open adoption agency.
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