Beauty Tips for Real Men

Ok men it's time to wise up. Women spend a fortune on making themselves look beautiful. They purchase all kinds of creams, lotions, powders, paints, nail files, lip gloss, herbal potions and cute little cotton pads and brushes to decorate themselves. And it works! Women are beautiful. THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! Beauty Tips

We are men and we maybe don't smell so nice and don't really take steps to prevent ageing (other than an early death and none of us want that). We just get older and watch our skin multiply and hang like a Boxer dog's lips. We lose hair and gather bags under our eyes. We go bald, grey, silver even, and we make strange involuntary noises when we bend down. An old author (John Mortimer) once said that he was at an age where if he bent down he wondered what else he could do whilst he was down there as it would be some time before he straightened up. That's how it is men. You might be reading this looking at your six pack (stomach not beer) laughing that this article isn't for the likes of you as you log off and head for the gym, but how wrong you would be. So get back here and sit your ass down. Beauty Tips

So whether you're young and popular or old and ignored it's time to change the way we look after ourselves and it's time to fight against genes and keep ourselves looking good.

So pay attention and put your ‘yeah right I'm already beautiful' attitude to one side for now.

1. Tired Eyes. You know the feeling guys; you wake up in the morning look in the mirror and see a man who's looking tired and old. Tell your dad to get out of the way and then take a look at yourself. Your eyes look red and there's loose skin trying to sneak off down your cheeks. You remember how bright and alive your eyes used to be. Yeah well that was then and this is now so stop romancing. Never mind the expensive anti ageing eye cream or the refreshing eye drops; this over hyped chemical guesswork doesn't wash. There is only one solution for this.

Wear shades for the rest of your life. If you look young people will think you're cool or vain (no biggie) if you look old people will think you're a blues singer or blind or both and you get the cool and sympathy vote. Beauty Tips

2. Your face or mine. The first thing a woman will look at is your face, unless she's standing behind you then it'll be your butt. Your face has skin that holds all the external parts in. If you don't believe me lean forward put your hands on your knees - did your eyes fall out of their sockets? A face can look fresh or stale there's no inbetween. So let's look at what we can do to stop Stephen Spielberg considering making another Jurassic Park using your face as the location.

First thing to learn is this, just because a cream has a French sounding name it doesn't mean it works. One look at the French President should tell you that. (memo to self set up fake cosmetic company called Un-real-pronounced in the same way as loreal). Creams and lotions cannot help us men we have to accept that our skin is not meant to be silky smooth like the women. Our face has to accommodate hair and you can't block the pinprick holes where this hair exits because if we did we'd have tongue beards. So the best thing to do when the worn leather look has arrived is this. Get yourself a small scar. A scar is a great diverter. Women will look at your scar and ask themselves where you got it from; are you a mafia guy, a tough guy, hopeless at shaving? The intrigue will be part of the attraction. One vital tip - don't put a scar from the corner of your lip to the tip of your ear, that's creepy.

A scar just above your eye or across either cheek will be a winner. And no expensive anti scarring cream exists so you get to look this way forever.

3. The Gut feeling. Its ok guys let's not panic we all know where I'm going with this. The stomach has a mind of its own. It can fool you into thinking one more beer or one more burger won't do any harm then whilst you're asleep the stomach gets to work on its expansion program. You wake up and get on the digital scales and several numbers have appeared on the end of the usual 3. It can get worse. Soon you won't see your feet or your little population creator and of course your trousers must have shrunk in the wash? The whole six pack thing was an advertising invention. You really believe those ads where young athletic men say ‘you can have a stomach like mine in just three weeks' what are they doing? Secretly killing fit young people in foreign lands and shipping frozen six packs over? If your six pack has multiplied it just followed your appetite.

And anyway, who wants a stomach so firm you can bounce bricks off it? Enough bricks thrown at a six pack will eventually hurt whereas a fully nourished stomach acts lke a trampoline. Face up to it men fatness has (paradoxically) overtaken fitness which should be as rare as John Goodman out sprinting Usain Bolt but life ain't like that. So how do we reduce that big overhanging blob? Beauty Tips

Here's the answer –you don't ! you just find yourself a woman of equal size and live happily ever after. It'll be expensive you'll have to buy bigger clothes wider cars stronger beds and a couple of inhalers but if it's true love it'll be worth it. Top Tip – don't shack up in a house with two floors it'll ruin your sex life before you get to the bed. If you can't find the woman of your dreams then what you need to do is make up stories about top female models and say that you've heard that because they're so thin they envy and love fat guys. Hit all the social network sites (Fatbook, Fatter, Tub Pages and the Wobble search engine) and spread the fat/word, do it now guys, shave off your belly hair, clean out the fluff from the button hole, make that gut skin smooth and let's make obesity FASHIONABLE!!


wash and go

4. The Anteater's Nose. Men if you haven't worked out what I mean by that you are off the program. I admit that this particular body part isn't usually mentioned when it comes to beauty advice but there's plenty of men who have stood in front of a mirror knuckles on hips nodding approvingly whilst saying ‘you beauty' to themselves. They do this whilst trying to forget that they got a specially magnified mirror installed in the bathroom.

The anteater's nose is an important part of man's make up. Indeed, many men make up lies about the size and endurance levels of this biological conundrum. This wonder of comedy will get you in trouble when it's adventurous and even more trouble when it's tired. It can often tell you what to do and you are powerless to resist. It can be spiteful and leak at the most inappropriate point. But men where would you be without it? ( Eunuch Employment Bureau - Google Ad inserted here)

Well taught ones don't surprise you on a bus or in a restaurant with that attention seeking impromptu heading skywards thing. A well scrubbed one is absolutely vital and washing several times a day is an essential duty. And men it belongs to you so wash it as fast or slow as you like.

Size doesn't matter. Too big and you're just an unwelcome intruder, too small, well consider yourself a master tickler. Size is a myth as long as your anteater's nose is in good working order someone somewhere will appreciate it.

Top tip – do not even consider those Anteater Extension devices. The Velcro ones are a complete rip off. So there you have it an inexpensive way to look good, feel good and age disgracefully.