Don’t Let the Break-up Break You: tips to get through the rough times

Let’s face it, not all relationships work-out and the break up can really break you!  It’s tough and we’ve all had our hearts broken a time or two.  Unfortunately it never get’s easier and it’s just something that you have to get through.  They say “time heals” and it does in one respect but your mind can act like a poison constantly having you replay your relationship over and over again in your head.  Well, it’s time to stop that addictive cycle and focus on the now so you can have a happy future! 

Right now, dilute your head!  Get that constant voice in your head to take a break and check out!  Put on your I-pod and start vacuuming, turn up your radio and shake that butt, grab a radio and plug it in your kitchen and cook!  You’ll notice that music is a thread to all of my suggestions but I really look at music as a way to drown out your thoughts and lift your spirits!  So when I’m going through a rough time, I like to keep uplifting songs that are fun to listen to really close!  One is “what a feeling” from Flash dance!  Who doesn’t want to act silly and dance around to that tune!  The point is just to silence that stream of reenactment in your head.  Whether it’s through quiet meditation, a smooth jog or turning up the tunes…escape a little bit.

A little technique that has helped me through past break-ups so that I can re-evaluate my thoughts and gain some space and perspective is to reprogram my ex’s phone number in my cell to “do not answer.”  It’s just my little reminder that I’m not ready yet and I need to have space.  If it’s over than it’s over and you can keep his name as “do not answer” on there permanently but if it’s a new break-up than the calls may come rolling in and when you see his name it can cause your stomach to flip.  Changing his name to “do not answer” can help you remember that you need time and space away from it all.  Sometimes something as little as the incoming call with his name attached can set you back and bring you to tears. 

Now in every break-up there’s the 80/20 rule and it’s an important one because it can make or break a relationship and it could be why you’re reading this right now.  Make a list of what was wonderful and what was terrible in the relationship.  Be honest, you’re only cheating yourself if you think of only the good things…there had to be low points to get you to where you are.  If you’re broken up, more than likely you don’t have 80% good and 20% bad.  Here’s the deal, nobody is perfect and you never want to change or have anyone change to fit your mold of the perfect girl/boyfriend.  When you make your list…if the 80% falls on the negative side than don’t forget it!  The 20% is just the margin of error that allows the person your with to be themselves no matter if you like it or not!  The “negative” side of that list can help you to understand why it didn’t work out and remind you of why you are in this place today.  List how he forgot your anniversary, doesn’t clean up after himself, talks down to you and so on.  You need to remember why you are in this place at this moment.  Refer to the list when you feel like you’re going to fold and pick up the phone…old habits die hard.

Stop filling your head with movie scripts that don’t exist!  It’s easy to wonder what the other person is doing and build your conclusions based on the worst case scenario.  He/she is in bed with someone, taking them out to dinner and feeding them champagne out of a glass slipper!  STOP IT!  You have no idea and if it’s over it doesn’t matter anyway.  My point is that you can’t fill your mind with junk wondering about them.  You can’t be erased from their memory, experiences live on forever and even if you think they don’t care…you are there.  Let it go and focus on yourself.  Don’t worry about what they are doing or with who and just focus on what you are doing right now in the moment.  Again, drown out your poisonous thoughts and focus on positive outlets.  Paint, work-out, scrapbook, cook, clean your house…anything to re-focus on something positive!

 The whole key to a break-up is keeping busy!  Use your mind space to further your own development.  Join a book club, grab a cookbook and test out different recipes, exercise, date, hang with family and friends, write poetry, scrapbook, re-organize your cabinets, un-clutter your office, blog, build a business, focus on work, have dinner with friends, jog or anything else that you can think of to build your own life without the need of anyone else!  A relationship should enhance your life not drain it and without it you should still have YOU to hold on to and depend on.  Maybe this is your chance for independence and empowerment? Inspire your ability to achieve happiness on your own and pick and choose who you want to share it with!  You can do it, just trust your gut and motivation to move you through the process!