How To Forgive Someone
What happens when you've been wronged by someone and you want to move on? How can you let it go - move on with your life - and ensure it won't happen again?
The quick answer is that you forgive yourself for having them in your life in the first place - so you don't have to continue to carry the burden around and so that you *don't repeat the same experience* - either with this person or another one.
You will be forgiving yourself for ALLOWING it to happen - not for CAUSING it to happen.
Because right now you may be in some sort of a mental prison. There may be a lot of hurt and resentment and other similar feelings. And what you're feeling now - the bitterness, the resentment, the anger, the hurt; WILL most likely influence your future relationships. Bitterness can only lead to more bitterness. Hurt just leads to more hurt.
Forgiveness is a way to clear out those old feelings from the past so you'll be better able to believe in yourself and trust yourself. Not to mention the fact that you will be wiser and more perceptive!
But are you responsible for what they did? No, absolutely not. You don't forgive yourself so you can make them 'not guilty'. You created your reality and they created theirs. And the realities overlapped.
A cheater was basically that way before you meet them. A betrayer is a betrayer before they have come into your life. And a punisher would just be punishing someone else if you weren't in the picture. The question is - why did I attract a person like this into my life?
Of course you didn't KNOW they would cheat or betray you when you first met them.
But then, maybe there were little hints and clues you ignored. I don't know. The point being, you allowed it to happen, at least on some level. That 'allowing' is your responsibility; something you CAN forgive yourself for now.
The value in forgiving yourself is - first of all, it can be empowering to accept responsibility for YOUR contribution. Yes, I do understand you were wronged. They engaged in hurtful behavior that was unjustified.
By forgiving yourself, you don't say their behavior was acceptable. On some level, they must still 'pay' for what they have done. But that's not really your business. (I understand many will try to make it their business!)
But you would be much more productive by dealing with YOUR contribution to those events. And not worrying about their contribution. "They'll get theirs."
But look at the damage it does to YOU by not forgiving yourself.
Maybe you don't believe in yourself any more. Maybe you don't trust yourself to make good decisions. Maybe your self-confidence is somewhat lacking. Maybe you're still carrying around a ton of pain. And I would guess many other problems as well have come up because you've been wronged.
Forgiving yourself can absolutely heal the damage they caused.
Also, you don't let someone 'off the hook' by forgiving yourself for what they have done.
YOU WILL BE LETTING *YOU* OFF THE HOOK BY FORGIVING YOURSELF.
Sorry to shout, but I want to make that point crystal clear. By forgiving yourself, you empower yourself. You free yourself from your own private prison of pain.
Here is the bottom line: You can never truly and completely forgive another until you have first forgiven yourself. That's why so many people stay stuck in a lack of forgiveness.
Questions and Answers
Forgiving is liberating, and a person will never know real freedom until they have learned to forgive. Some people will not understand the liberating power of forgiveness until they come to a crossroad in their life and discover that for it is in forgiving that one is forgiven.
The kindest and most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and others is to forgive yourself. We are often told that we should forgive others, the old saying "forgive and forget" is thrown around constantly, so you make an effort to forgive those who you feel have wronged you...
How are you at forgiving someone when they hurt you? Are you quick to forgive or slow to forgive? It's our automatic sin nature that makes us want to retaliate when someone hurts us. We've all pretty much heard how Jesus said to "Turn the other cheek." It's difficult sometimes,...
“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” Thomas S. Szasz (Hungarian psychiatrist)
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