My Ex Wants To Be Friends But I Want Her Back
When you get dumped by your girlfriend, it can seem like the end of the world. Sadly you envision your new life without her; no more hanging out, phone calls, emails, text-messages... you're losing a friend as well as a lover. But then she throws you a curve ball, and you jump to catch that ball as quickly as possible:
"I don't want to lose you completely, so maybe we can still be friends..."
If this is your current situation, you probably took your ex up on her offer to remain friends after the breakup. You couldn't stand the thought of not being in her life, and you reasoned that just being around her could lead to possibly getting back together.
In staying friends you still get to see your ex, talk to her, and maybe even hang out (in a platonic way of course), from time to time. It sure beats losing her completely, and cutting her out of your life for good. Right?
Well, maybe you should read on first...
Why Does My Ex Girlfriend Want To Be Friends With Me?
Before grabbing that brass ring of friendship, you need to explore the REAL reasons Why Your Ex Wants To Be Friends With You. It's not because she needs another friend, or because she values your opinion, or because she's looking for a buddy to hang out with. No, your ex wants to be friends with you for one reason alone: to keep you around as her safety net.
In a real breakup, your ex wouldn't want any additional contact with you. She'd walk away cleanly, and the break would be pretty cut and dry. It would sting, yes, but your ex would walk deliberately out of your life. The fact that she still wants to 'hang around' is a good sign that your ex girlfriend still loves you, but it's also something you need to be very careful of.
What Should I Do When My Ex Wants To Be Friends With Me?
In an ideal world, you already refused your ex's offer when she asked to stay friends. You told her that you didn't think it was such a good idea, or that you're not looking for a friend but instead want a real relationship with her. Odds are however, that you agreed to the post-breakup friendship (or maybe you are about to) in an effort to stay in her life and not lose her.
By staying friends with her however, you're only going to extend your breakup and make it more difficult to get your ex back. She'll feel comforted by the friendship, and by knowing where you are (and what you're doing, and who you're with, etc...) at all times. This will enable your ex girlfriend to happily pursue her new single life, while you look on nervously hoping she doesn't hook up with a new guy, or get a new boyfriend.
What you need to do here is rather simple: don't allow your ex to use you as a backup plan. When she breaks up with you but still wants to be friends, you tell her:
"Listen, this isn't a good idea. Being friends doesn't work for me. I love you, and I want to be with you. If that's not what YOU want, then I have to walk away. I can't pretend to be your 'friend' when I still have actual feelings for you. Sorry, and I wish you the best of luck."
This is a radical approach, but it's also the complete opposite of what your girlfriend wants and expects. Instead of getting to hang onto you for a while, you're cutting her off completely. Instead of getting to let go of you gradually, you're taking yourself away from her all at once. For the first time ever, your girlfriend now faces the prospect of actually LOSING you. This isn't what she wanted, which is why she told you she wanted to be friends after breaking up.
The idea of you walking away is NOT very appealing to your ex girlfriend. It will cause her to scramble, and it will definitely make her re-examine her decision to break things off.
What If I'm Already Friends With My Ex Girlfriend?
In some situations, you might already have agreed to stay friends after the break. Maybe your girlfriend calls you when she's bored, sees you once in a while, and even hints at getting back together from time to time. She does this, of course, to keep you hanging on. Take a single step in her direction and try to get her back, and suddenly your ex girlfriend pulls away (sound familiar)?
To fix this situation, you need to create a void in her life. You need to remove yourself from the friendship arrangement, and make it seem as if you're moving on. The second you start having your own agenda will be the very second your ex girlfriend starts reconsidering the breakup. There are methods and techniques you can use to reverse your current situation and regain control over your broken relationship... used correctly, these methods can quickly have your ex girlfriend RUNNING back to you.
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