Difficult Colleague? - How To Get A Change For The Better

Sometimes other people can be so frustrating. Whether it is the boss, a colleague or even a family member, you want them to change. You keep thinking "if only they would..." and you fill the blank with the behavior you prescribe.

Do you remember the android Mr Data in Star Trek? Occasionally we would be shown literally inside his head and see all the complex wiring and components that made him tick. We would love the difficult person to be the same. Then we could get in there with our screwdrivers and spanners and make all the adjustments we like!

But this is only fantasy and unless we can find a realistic way forward, we are going to stay annoyed and frustrated. Fortunately there is a way forward which waits to be discovered at the heart of a paradox:

"When I think I can change a difficult person, the relationship stays frustrating. When I accept I can't change a difficult person, the relationship can change for the better"

This may seem rather weird but it is the key to unlocking the solution. This is how it works.

If you think you can change the difficult person, effectively you must believe you have direct control over that person. Because it is not possible to directly control another person, you find that your attempts fail. This just perpetuates the frustration you started with.

However, the situation is totally different when you accept that you can't directly change the difficult person. Your underpinning belief now is that individual human beings can only change themselves.

Of course, this belief applies to the difficult person too - they are the only ones who can change themselves. Because you know you can't change them but you know you can change yourself, you can now work with what is in your control. From this empowering viewpoint, you can adjust your own behavior.

New possibilities start to open up. For example, you could think new thoughts about the relationship; you could experiment with new feelings about it; you could take a different course of action. Any change you make to your own behavior will change the dynamics of the relationship, breaking out of the stalemate.

Let's finish with an example. Kerry manages a colleague Susan who always seemed to be complaining. Susan complained about all sorts of issues from details of the team project to the menu in the staff restaurant.

Even though she was very busy, Kerry tried to change the way Susan behaved, especially as she feared that Susan would become a negative influence on other team members. All attempts failed to make an improvement - Susan carried on complaining.

With the help of her coach, Kerry discovered that all her attempts so far had been based on the assumption that there was a way to magically transform Susan into the positive team member she wanted.

As Kerry got to understand the paradox detailed above, she realised that there was a new way to approach the problem. Kerry decided to look for what she could change in herself that could influence the relationship with Susan for the better.

Kerry decided to do something new, even though it was a stretch for her. She set aside a whole hour for a one-to-one conversation with Susan to try to understand her viewpoint.

It turned out that Susan felt rather ignored because Kerry had been giving her less attention than to other team members. This had made Susan feel rather undervalued.

Susan had begun to present various issues to gain Kerry's attention and to show that she did have a valuable contribution to make. It was this contribution that Kerry experienced as complaints.

Now, with this fresh understanding, Kerry makes sure that she gives Susan enough time and encouragement to present her contributions properly. For her part, Susan no longer feels the need for attention seeking.

As you can see, in the end both Kerry and Susan changed their own behaviour instead of trying to change each other. The happy result is that Susan is now one of the most loyal members of the team.