The Used Car - Little Man Syndrome

For women, the car is a means to an end. No matter if it's a Mercedes, a 4 x 4 or an escort van, it gets our kids to school, the shopping home, the dog to the vets and the rubbish to the tip. The end.

For men, a whole different story surrounds his beloved baby that he so sadly names as if it were a real, thinking, feeling person instead of an inanimate object. This is because men do not have enough to think about in real life. Incapable of carrying on a productive grown up relationship, they leave the ins and outs of this to the women and concentrate their efforts into their car.

You will find throughout the years that used BMW owners are more guilty of this than any, say Mercedes or Range Rover owners. Studies are currently being carried out into why this would be so but for the purpose of this article, accept it as true.

Theories abound that the used BMW owner is a person low of self confidence having never quite made it to a new BMW. They've reached the pinnacle of their success and have a used BMW to show for it with no prospect of progressing to the flashy, souper douper, shiny, shiny version that comes direct from the BMW factory.

This is indeed, a sad state of affairs. In fact, some would put this achievement in a class of its own - better than riding a bicycle or Shanks's pony surely? This is what you will be told in the support groups for used BMW owners of a certain low self esteem calibre. For those still undiagnosed sufferers and their families, there are some pointers to look out for. When you see these symptoms, please seek help from your local support group immediately to prevent a further regression into depression.

A tendency for those slipping into the belief that their inanimate car is developing a relationship with them is for the used BMW owner to spend all Sunday morning lovingly bestowing waxing and stroking pleasure on the bonnet. If you see your man doing this, you can be sure he is on a slippery slope although getting an admission from him at this stage is virtually impossible.

The next step is when you find car accessory magazines hidden behind the toilet. He will begin to waste long hours in the little boy's room, ruminating over such things as wheel trims that are worth more than the car, waxes that promise a factory finish and pine air fresheners. You can, of course, always remove this source of temptation at your own risk. A used BMW owner devoid of his accessory magazine is a force to be reckoned with.

The next phase in this utter madness comes when the used BMW, only normally allowed out on sunny days, becomes his new sleeping partner. When your man moves into the garage and begins sleeping in his car, I'm afraid all is lost. The best thing for you to do is to sling him a spare blanket and pillow, wish him goodnight and snuggle up in that huge bed, cocooned in your duvet, laying anyway you wish across your bed and watching any old weepie movie you like into the small hours.

Of course, you could always intervene during the early stages of this difficult affliction and set about securing some professional counselling but where would be the fun in that?