The Top 5 Reasons to Hate “the Verizon Guy” From the Commercials

The guy who is simply known as "The Verizon Guy from the Commercials" is a menace to society! If you don't hate his "cute" and "quirky" antics, here are five reasons you should.

05. He’s extremely cocky. Realistically, I can’t blame him for this, because if I had a posse the size of his, I might get a bit uppity with people who didn’t use the service I was pimping, as well. And don’t kid yourself – he may call it a “netx`work,” but we all know that’s a posse, and a good lot of them are probably packing. Statistically, 1/10 people carry guns. And that network has way more than ten people. Just saying.

04. The intimidation factor. On every commercial, he shows up, unannounced, with the aforementioned [and suspected to be armed] posse, when someone is trying to use their cell phone. A user might be thinking, “hey, I don’t want to have a contract with Verizon anymore…” but can they even say that? Not with Mr. Man and his “network” trailing said user everywhere he or she goes. The worst part is, he hides behind the safety of “providing service” and an innocent smile while he’s going about his menacing ways! He never just cracks his knuckles and makes the “I’m watching you” face that Robert DeNiro made famous in “Meet the Parents,” only switching it to “I’m listening to you… all the time… even when you’re calling those dirty numbers. And I might tell your mom about it if you cross me,” while pointing to his ears.

03. His suit. Who does he think he is, Michael Myers? He’s never seen doing any sort of technical work that would require that jumpsuit, and yet, he’s always wearing it. Why? Because it’s creepy, that’s why. People in jumpsuits who are not actively doing something like digging a trench, installing cable, plumbing the toilet that you carelessly clogged with paper towels, or similar jobs are terrifying. There’s a reason for this: they’re up to no good. Why would someone just walking around need coveralls? Because they’re mass-murderers, that’s why.

02. His clipboard. You realize he’s using that thing to keep notes on people, right? And he also uses the part that is meant to hold papers in place to clip people’s fingers right off if they anger him. Clear off! Just like that! I assume the clipboard has a specially sharpened edge, much like his back teeth, which are also sharp as razors. [He found a dentist in some country that nobody even knew existed to do this… the better to bite you with.]

01. “Can you hear me now? Good.” Of course this is number one. I actually want to harm myself any time I say “can you hear me” or “can you hear me now” when speaking into a cell phone. This is no coincidence. This is all part of his nefarious plan to control us. Yes, the Verizon guy actually has psychic powers! In his downtime, he trains with telekinetics and wizards, in an attempt to further grow his skill set, while building his plot for world domination.

Of course, this is all in good fun, and I’m sure the Verizon guy is just great. If you’re subscribed to his service, though, I’d still avoid angering him, so why not make your phone cooler with some spiffy wallpapers, games, or ringtones? If you choose wisely, chances are you will soothe his inner savage beast and he may even leave you alone for a while.