EFT and Obstacles to Communication

One of our main obstacles to loving and harmonious relationships is our inability to communicate effectively. I have seen many relationships between love partners, parents and children and siblings where there was mutual love, but many conflicts because of their inability to clearly express their needs, feelings and beliefs.

I will always remember a couple who had been married for 40 years and came to discuss various conflicts. I asked each to share with the other what he or she needed. The man mentioned that it annoyed him that every time he was talking to others about some subject, which really interested him, and she would be rejecting what he was saying by making a sound in her throat. She looked at him in surprise and answered, "I do that because I agree with you." For all these years he had been accumulating feelings of rejection, hurt and anger because he was never able to share this with her.

Let us look at some of the feelings and thoughts, which obstruct our ability to express our needs, feelings and thoughts with others.

OBSTACLES TO MORE TRUTHFUL COMMUNICATION

Under each obstacle we are presenting some possible set up phrases. These should give you a base to work with but not limit you. If they do not suit you, find the phrases that do.

Note: We use two phrases when doing the set up.

A. We rub on the sore spot on one side (or tap the side of the hand) repeating phrase "A" three times.

B. Then we repeat phrase "B" three times while rubbing the on the sore spot on the other side (or tapping on the side of the other hand).

C. Then we repeat the "C" reminder phrase while tapping on the 12 points.

These emotions will likely change and we will need to work with each emotion or other aspects as they surface.

We also might be diverted to childhood experiences which have to do with the emotions which we are working on.

1. I fear telling the truth because I do not want to hurt him/her. Examples: a. That I do not agree with everything he or she does. b. That I have not always told him or her the truth. c. That he or she is more ill than he or she thinks. d. That other people gossip about him or her and do not think well of him or her.

A. Even though I fear telling _____ (name of person) that (subject we are afraid to communicate)_____________ because I do not want hurt him/her, I deeply and profoundly love myself. or Even though until now I feared telling _____ (name of person) that (subject we are afraid to communicate)_____________ because I did not want hurt him/her, I now realize (feel, believe) that the truth, lovingly expressed, is the best for us all.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this fear of telling (name) ____ that(subject) ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = Fear of telling (name) ____ that ______.

2. I fear telling the truth because I do not want to get into a conflict. Examples: a. That I do not agree with what the other is doing. b. That I do not want to do what the other wants me to do. c. That I have done something that the other does not approve of. d. That I have made a mistake. A. Even though I fear getting into a conflict if I tell _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I deeply and profoundly love myself. or Even though until now I feared getting into a conflict if I told _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I now feel that the truth lovingly expressed is the best for us all.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this fear of telling (name) ____ that ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = Fear of telling (name) ____ that ______.

3. I feel ashamed to tell the truth. Examples: a. That I have not been faithful in our relationship b. That I have sexual fantasies. c. That I am afraid to be alone. d. That I am angry about something. e. That I have made a mistake

A. Even though I am ashamed to tell _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I deeply and profoundly love myself. or Even though until now I felt ashamed to tell _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I now feel that this truth will set me free and help us create a more honest relationship.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this shame of telling (name) ____ that ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = Shame of telling (name) ____ that ______.

4. I fear getting hurt if I express the truth. Examples: a. The truth about what I do or need. b. How much I really need the other. c. My real feelings

A. Even though I fear getting hurt of I tell _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I deeply and profoundly love myself. or Even though until now I feared getting hurt if I told _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I now express those truths and feel strong enough to deal with any reactions.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this fear of being hurt if I tell (name) ____ that ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = Fear of telling (name) ____ that ______.

5. I fear that I will lose my self-worth. Examples: a. My mistakes or weaknesses b. Anything, which I might have done which, might not be accepted by the other. e. That I love and need the other.

Numbers five, six and seven have common roots (self-worth) and thus we have united them.

6. My pride does not allow me to express the truth. a. How much I admire the other. b. That the other is actually right and I am wrong. c. To ask for forgiveness when I feel the need. d. To admit weaknesses and fears.

7. My competitive nature does not allow me to express the truth. (much the same as five and six)

A. Even though I fear losing my self-worth if I tell (admit to) _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I deeply and profoundly love myself. or Even though until now I feared losing my self-worth if I told (admitted to) _____ (name) that (subject)_____________, I now feel my self-worth within me and express those truths.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this fear of losing my self-worth if I tell (admit to) (name) ____ that ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = Fear of losing self worth if I tell (name) ____ that ______.

8. I feel uncomfortable expressing positive feelings because: (Some possible reasons might be) 1. It is not manly. 2. It might go to the other's head and he/she might feel superior. 3. The other might use that against me in a future argument. 4. I have not learned to do this. 5. I am occupied with my problems. 6. I feel competitive with the other and thus want to be superior. 7. I try to show how I feel with my actions. 8. I sense that that the other does not feel comfortable when I express positive feelings. Some examples of positive communication we might have difficulty with: 1. That I love you. 2. That I respect and admire you. 3. That you do many things very well. 4. That I am grateful for all that you give me. 5. That I want you to be happy. 6. That you make me happy.

A. Even though I feel uncomfortable expressing my positive feelings and thoughts to (name) _____ because (reason) _____________, I deeply and profoundly love myself. or Even though until now I felt uncomfortable expressing my positive feelings and thoughts to (name) _____ because (reason) _____________, I now feel that he/she deserves to hear the truth.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from feeling uncomfortable expressing my positive feelings and thoughts to (name) _____ because (reason) _____________.

C. Reminder Phrase = Uncomfortable expressing my positive feelings and thoughts to (name) _____ because (reason) _____________.