Getting Along with "Victims"

| Posted: 30-05-2006 | Comments: 0 | Views: 269 | Rating: (52)

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The role of "Victim" (poor me) is a favorite with many of us. There are so many "benefits" we can ensure by playing the role of the victim.

1. We automatically gain self-worth. Follow this reasoning closely. As a victim, we are the one to whom injustice is being done. Thus, the others are unjust, incorrect, not okay, wrong in what they do and consequently we are just, okay, good and right. We are worthy and they are not. Many of us, who do not have sufficient self-esteem, find this as the only way we can establish our self-worth, by being the victims of others' wrong doings.

2. As victims we can control others by playing on their pity and guilt. When they are angry with us, we can diminish their rage and aggression by playing the weak abused person. When we want something from some one, we can play on their guilt, by making them feel to blame for our unhappiness or our problems.

3. We "as victims" are "not" responsible for our reality and thus not to blame if we or our lives are not in good condition. We have an excuse for not being okay or manifesting our potential.

Thus, as victims, we gain what we want from the others, by making them feel responsible for our reality, and by making ourselves seem weak, incapable and in need of help.

When confronted with loved ones who are playing the role of victim, we need to free ourselves from the illusion that they are so weak and incapable, and that we are responsible for their reality or that we can create their happiness, health or success in life.

We need to express our love to them in ways that they can feel it, without getting caught up in feeling responsible or guilty for their reality. This requires a combination of love, clarity of mind and effective communication. We need to help them find another way of getting what they need. A way which is free from self-pity and unnecessary suffering.

The victim "needs" to be unhappy. He or she will find daily reasons not to be happy. Those reasons also need frequently to imply that the others around them are to blame. The victim finds it difficult to say, "what a wonderful day it is", or "how happy I am", or "thank you for being such a nice person to me" (unless you are new in their lives, and "different from all the insensitive people" already in their lives).

In order to deal with those playing the role of victim more effectively, we will need to clear out our negative emotions so that we can connect with them with love and clarity.

We are now looking to discover the emotions which:

1. Cause us to fall into their trap and be controlled by them. 2. Cause us to lose our peace of mind and our love for them.

Here a list of some frequent emotions we have when dealing with persons playing the role of the victim. Under each emotion is an affirmation we can use to get free.

1. Responsible for them and their reality.

Even though until now I have felt responsible for (name of person)____'s (what you feel responsible for i.e. health, happiness, satisfaction, success etc.) _______, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

2. Fear of not being able to succeed in helping them.

Even though until now I feared that I will never create (name of person)____'s (what you feel responsible.) _______, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own _____.

3. Fear that the other may suffer some harm and I will be responsible.

Even though until now I feared that I will be responsible if (name of person)____comes to some harm (or does not succeed) _______ , I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

4. Failure, helplessness that our efforts do not manifest in results.

Even though until now I feared that I have failed (am helpless) in creating (name of person)____'s (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _______, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

5. Injustice that, although we have tried so much to help them, they are not satisfied.

Even though until now I feel injustice that (name of person)____is never satisfed with my efforts to help him/her, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

6. Hurt, bitterness or rejection because they never recognize our efforts or our love.

Even though until now I feel hurt (bitter or rejected) when (name of person)____does did not recognize my efforts and love, I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

7. Guilt because they are not happy or well (or satisfied).

Even though until now I felt guilty because (name of person)____was not well (happy or satisfied), I now lovingly support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

8. Anger because the other is not doing what he/she should be doing for himself / herself.

Even though until now I felt anger when (name of person)____did not do what he/she could do to feel better, I now loving support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

9. Anger because I feel that they are controlling me. I am the victim's victim.

Even though until now I felt anger when I let (name of person)____control me, I now loving support him/her in creating his/her own (health, happiness, satisfaction, success) _____.

A possible ideal way of interacting with a "victim"

Here is a description which one person has written concerning how she would like to interact with a person to plays the role of the victim.

I would like to keep clear in my mind that I cannot create the other's health, happiness, success or satisfaction. I want also to remember that the other is an expression of the divine who has all the powers to manifest what she has incarnated to create in her life. I want to remember that she needs my love and attention, and will give it freely. When she gets into the role of victim, I will explain that I love and care for her and want her to be happy, but that that I cannot create that. I am willing to help her if she wants to take responsibility and work towards her happiness. I can ask her questions, which might help her realize what she needs to do to create her happiness. I can also ask questions which may help her see how blessed she already is and also what powers lie within her, which she can use to create the reality she desires. Throughout this process I will remain very clear that I am not responsible for what she is feeling. If she accuses me of not doing enough, I will check with my conscience and if I decided that she is right, I will start doing more. If I judge that she is wrong, then I will lovingly tell her so and explain that I am not going to do more and if she wants to discuss finding other solutions, I will be happy to help. I will also explain that I will no longer feel guilty about her unhappiness and as I am clear about doing whatever I can, and that playing the victim will not help her get more from me.

Possible positive beliefs

These beliefs will allow us to have harmonious relationships with those who play the role of the victim.

a. We each create our reality. b. I cannot create anyone else's reality. c. I am not to blame for what others are experiencing in their evolutionary process. d. Others are not to blame for what I am feeling or creating. e. I can love someone without being sad that they are not happy, since each of us has what we need to be happy- if we could only see it. f. It is okay to be well and happy when our loved ones are not. g. I love, serve and help my love ones create the reality they want, without getting into the role of the savior or responsible for the others. h. No one can use me, if I chose to give. What I give freely cannot be taken from me since I am giving it. i. If I am feeling used, then I am not giving from my heart but I am seeking something in return. j. There are times when the greatest help we can offer is to allow the other to stand on his/her own two feet. k. The others will continue to love me even if I cannot at times respond to their requests. l. Life gives us exactly what we need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my growth process.

A possible I-message to a Victim

"Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you and want very much for you to be happy and healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much.

However, I am beginning to realize that I cannot create that for you. I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and some times guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.

"I now realize that I do not help you by feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you when you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for yourself, or do not see how wonderful your life really is. This happens especially when you focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have.

"Thus I am no longer going to try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can, without doing more than I believe I should and without getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.

"Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?"

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Article Tags: Communication, Happiness, Self-help, Relationships, Psychology, Victims, Roles

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Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach. Over 600 free article and lectures at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/

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Who do i choose or what do i do??
By: diana | 26-07-2008
i love my boyfriend and i know he loves me. we been dating for like a yr and a couple of months. everything is great between me and him. but we dont go out to places like a normal couple would. the reason is not enough time, sometimes money. he works way too mutch and is always tire, witch i understand. trust me i know you may be thinking there should be time but trust me on this one theres not that mutch. we never really go out i just see him at his place like 2 or 3 times a week. so thats why i feel this way. thereS this guy that works at a store i use to work. i can tell he has a crush on me, and im not gonna lie he attracts me a lot. i would say too mutch. its not really his looks but the way he is, sweet, carrying, and friendly. and he dose like me my friend told me he ask for me, and its obvious he likes me. im going to start working there again soon. i have a feeling that theres a chance i may fall in love with this guy. and i know his going to try to ask me to a date. my point is i have a boyfriend witch i know i love. but that dosent give me the attention i want, but i know its not his fault. but like i need attention i feel like this other guy is going to give to me at the work place. with his flirting, and probably talking. i wouldent feel like this if my boyfriend gave me more attention, but he cant trust me. WHAT DO I DO???

Do I love my girfriend?
By: Eugen G | 26-07-2008
What is wrong with me? I have been in a relationship with a girl in the last 3 years, her name is Laura. She was in the same class with me at the junior high (5-8) and at the same high school and college, but not in the same class. Since high school she started liking me. She started asking me do little things for her. I noticed that, but I felt she is to soft for me and that I should commit to a serious relationship with her. Once I got hurt by a girl I felt in love with and Laura was by my side. While having my heart broken I said myself, why shouldn't I try out a relationship with Laura, she was anyway by my side. After being with her for 3 - 4 months I realized she is too soft for me, but, because she was so in love with me and I knew her for such a long time I couldn't tell her anything. Even though I've noticed what a great girl she is, I couldn't stop thinking that she is too soft for me, but, after one year, I had to tell her what I feelt and we broke up. For 2 moths I felt relieved, but then she left in the States where she spent her holidays and I only thought of how great she was and how I didn't give her a chance to get to my heart. For 3 months while she was there, I only thought of her and only her. I kept remembering over and over her warm face and her full of love look. When she came back I wanted to get back with her and for a full year everything was so great it was the most beautiful year of my life. When the summer came, she went back to the States where she, again, spent her holiday. That summer was so painful and I wanted her back so badly. The first few weeks were the most painful without her but then I got accustomed. After she came back we had a trip to Paris and more recently to Budabest. Everything was like a dream. We are both still living with our parents. We are both programmers but we're not working in the same place. Every day after we finished work, she was coming over my place where we stayed in my room talking, watching movies or doing something else or going outside. Since the last 5 months I changed my work place. I'm now working from home and in the last 3 weeks something changed. My thoughts are just like those I had in the first year with her. I feel she might not be the one for me. I realize we don't have different preoccupations and we are always together and I know that since we are all the time together we got bored. But I always have the constant fear that she might not be the one for me. The thing is though, this time, I don't want to break up with her, I just want things to be the same as they were after we got back together 2 years ago. I made plans, I would like to marry her because I know she is special and I might never find somebody like her and I don't want her to suffer because of me, but I always have the fear that she might not be the one for me. I'm desperate and I don't know what I should do. She noticed there is something wrong with me and after I told her what's bothering me, she is desperate too. Neither of us wants to break up, but how can I step out of this? We are in a break now. I made a list of thins that I like about her She loves me more than she loves herself She trusts me She sees me as a strong person She gives me strength and confidence She gives me peace She has a soft voice She has a gentle, forgiving and good soul She is beautifull She likes to make me dinner and wash my clothes She is by my side no matter if my decisions are good or bad She is strong She respects me She knows what she wants She wants me to be happy She is not running when there is work to be done She is devoted and sacred She is humble and mild I like her mouth, her teeth, her lips, her hair, her face When I hug her, I feel her body was made for mine She has a healthy thinking She makes me feel important She makes me feel I have to be a real man She makes me feel secure She admires me I like the way she looks at me I like the way she talks with me I like the way she acts with me I like that she always leaves a good impresion I admire her I respect her I want to cherish her I want to give her everything She makes me be carefull of how I dress She makes me want to be mature Everybody around me admire her She is great in bed Why I don't want her She always wants to be with me and she suffocates me She is very undecided about small things She never takes any initiative I'm highly energic and active while she is very calm and cautious She never wants to argue with me She overprotects me She admires me too much She doesn't resemble my appeareance She is mature and it's not making any silly things I don't think I'm ready to be as mature as she is I am affraid I will make her suffer I am affraid she is not the one for me I am affraid I don't love her

I love my boyfriend and i know he loves me. but he ...
By: diana | 26-07-2008
I love my boyfriend and i know he loves me. but he just dosent have mutch time for me to hang out. the only times i see him are at his house like 1, 2, or 3 times a week if im lucky, and only aty night after he comes from work. he works from 8am to 7pm. mon-sat. and on sundays he hangs out with his daughter who dosent know about me. but the point is i wanna go out with him to a movie, park, dinner but we cant its always too late, or sometimes i know that he dosent have the money. its not his fault, or mine but sometimes i feel like my relationship dosent have enough spice in it. what can i do so that i feel my relationship has some spice?....some action, more romance, more going out?

20 yr old girl hates heself
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hey, im a 20 yrs old girl i hate my self ,i don't find anything in me 2 luv i can't enjoy my life ....my life is a hell i don't have friends i think ppl hate my and wanna get away from me ,thats y i don't have friends i don't like looking in mirrors or take some pics of my self i prefer watching others' pics

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