How To Tackle Unreasonable Expectations
We all realize the influence that our Core Values can have on our life. An important fact to keep in mind is that expectations flowing from rules we create around our Values may at times be unrealistic and impossible to meet This may be due either to our excessive expectations from ourselves or from others and also because we may want to control things which are beyond our control.
Your rules as regards to 'what has to happen for you to feel that the specific value is being honored could be so demanding that you would be sabotaging your happiness.
You might have an Attraction Value of 'Cleanliness' and you would continuously strive to keep your house in order. But.... you have two kids in the house who certainly do not value your value! Their Value is fun and they run berserk around the house when they can get away with it. Your expectations might be so high that you would feel as if you are failing in your Value if you find so much as a piece of paper on the floor. So when you do not manage to keep exactly aligned to these exaggerated rules regarding your Value you may feel like a failure and start beating yourself black and blue emotionally.
What's more, if you start getting angry with your kids and try to get them to 'toe the line' you might end up feeling badly because you are not honoring your other Values 'Love' and 'Sacrifice for the family'. Because most of the time you might not be aware of these Values and rules that are working in your background you never get to challenge such exaggerated rules. You just keep expecting too much from yourself so that you may never feel fulfilled.
Now, in this case, when you consciously become aware of your Value you would acknowledge it. If you feel that 'Cleanliness' is a Value you want to keep in your hierarchy, instead of changing your Value, you can change your rules as to what will honor your Value. So in this situation your new rule might run something like:
'I value cleanliness in my life and I will feel I am honoring this Value when I am able to provide clean clothes and healthy food for my children. I appreciate that my children value fun and I will accept that cleanliness in my house will be balanced by love and sacrifice for my family.'
Let's look at another example of exaggerated rules and expectations that depend on others. You might say that for your Value of 'Love' to be honored you need to feel that your partner will love you unconditionally all the time, no matter what happens.
Now that's a crappy rule!
I bet people would just vanish if they knew your rule! You would be planning to fail every time you start a relationship. Each time your partner says something you will be analyzing in your mind and passing it through your own sieve of rules. If you suspect that your partner was insensitive, even without intention, you would give him or her pain to get your partner in line with your rules. The likely outcome will be that your partner will not understand or agree to play your game and the pain will rebound back to you.
In the example above you might change your expectation into something like:
'For me to feel loved I need to love myself first, radiate love to others, feel gratitude that my partner chooses to share his/her life with me and appreciate any compliments I receive'. That puts you in control because your expectations now depend on your actions, rather than things you have no control over.
When you have unrealistic expectations for your Values it is really essential that you change the rules of the game. After you clarify your Values, you need to ask yourself what has to happen for you to feel that your Values are being honored.
Remember that to feel good you need to feel in control of events in your life. So you should create expectations that are mostly within your control.
Questions and Answers
Article Tags:
core values
,excessive expectations
,control things
,your rules
,sabotaging happiness
,values
,beyond control
,honoring value
,unconditional love
,create expectations
,exaggerated rules
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