Out Beyond Right and Wrong: Finding Your Way From Pain Back to Love

Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense. --Rumi

Every family that has been through difficult or painful situations with their youngsters or anyone that has been through a rough period in a relationship knows how hard it can be to reconnect with the love that was once the core of the relationship.

Pain and hurt develop scars in our spirit or core self. Those scars provide a layer of protection and lead to the building of walls between us to ensure that we don't feel that pain again. This approach rarely works as each time we are confronted by a comment or behavior that reminds us of the original pain it triggers the great protector, anger. The anger typically leads to more pain as we create new evidence of our need to protect ourselves.

Deep within each of us, and below the hurt and pain that has occurred, is a place that wants to love and be loved. I believe that within each parent and child that has learned to protect themselves in this way, is a core self that desperately wants to reconnect. However, our connection to our pain, anger, and the belief in right vs. wrong makes it very difficult to break down the walls and reach out to embrace one another once again.

It is not easy to move through the pain but it is also not easy to remain in a place of hurt and anger. Compassion and forgiveness are the keys to bringing down the walls. Acknowledging the pain within each of us, and remembering that each of us wants desperately to be loved, is the place from which we can begin to reach out, open up, and let the other in. Here there is no right or wrong only two human beings desperately trying to find their way back to love and acceptance.

The core of these feelings is usually found in our heart center. Acknowledging our heart center and recognizing that one exists in the other, is the first step to tearing down the walls. Meeting one another in that metaphorical field in which we are both a part of something bigger than both of us provides the perspective that holding onto right and wrong is but another symbol of the pain that is calling out for a path back to the love that connected us.

When you're with the person with whom you have experienced pain and hurt, notice the reactions that you feel in response to your communication with them. When you feel anger or pain, focus on your heart center and let that be a trigger for looking for, or acknowledging the same in the other. See if you can put aside the anger that is trying to protect you and replace it with a reaching out and a vulnerability that can connect you.

Author: Dr. Dan Kaufman

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