The Secret to Success is Talking to Yourself - 3 Simple Steps for Doing it Right

“The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept” - George Carlin

All day, every day, you talk to yourself. Sometimes you may not even be aware of it, but you are doing it. Even at night in your deepest sleep, you are sending yourself constant messages.

During your waking hours there are so many messages, that it would take a huge effort to sort them out. In reality, you can never sort out all of the messages because the instant you try to focus on your self-talk many thoughts are left behind, not even comprehended at the conscious level.

On the other hand, many of these conversations with yourself are very clear. Sometimes you can even have them out loud. At one time you have probably had the experience of being told, "You're talking to yourself."

So, what kind of messages are you sending when you talk to yourself?

You talk about hopes and dreams. You talk about what you would do if you won the lottery and what you think of the driver in front of you. You talk about how you felt when your boss ignored your idea. You tell yourself what is wrong with your husband or wife, how you are going to deal with a customer, what you will have for dinner, and where you will go on vacation (if you ever get one).

Sometimes you even beat yourself up. You tell yourself you aren't successful enough, you aren't a good enough parent, or what you should have said in that conversation. You may even tell yourself that you are not very attractive, that you're in lousy shape, it's going to be a lousy day, and maybe you just can't do the job.

As much as it is a truth that we all talk to ourselves all day long, it is a truth that whatever you say to yourself all day long is what forms your reality.

The conscious mind has an astounding ability to instruct the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind, with no ability to judge information it receives, simply does what you tell it to do.

Ralph Waldo Emerson observed that, "Man is what he thinks all day long." What you think all day long is what you are saying to yourself all day long. And what you are telling yourself is what you are instructing your subconscious mind to deliver for you.

Modifying your self-talk involves a long-term commitment that you must act on every day. It takes time and dedication.

1. Pay Attention

The first and most important step is to become more and more aware of the talk in your head. Start listening to your inner voices. When you start listening, you'll be amazed at how much of what's going on in there isn't all that healthy for you. So, first of all, start paying attention.

2. Challenge Your Self Talk

When you catch yourself talking to yourself in a non-productive or negative way, put up a mental STOP sign and ask yourself, "Is there a better way for me to be thinking about this?" The writer Dr. Joseph Murphy says, "Never let yourself finish a negative thought..."

If you find yourself saying, "I hate this job," or "I just don't know what to do," more constructive statements might be, "This is a tough situation, but I can handle it, or "I don't know what to do NOW, but I'll figure out something."

If you wake in the morning and grumble to yourself, "It's going to be a lousy day," try getting out of bed, smile to yourself in the mirror (as hard as that may be first thing in the morning, and tell yourself, "I feel fantastic and this is going to be a spectacular day!"

Challenge your self-talk as it happens!

3. Plan Ahead

The next step is to anticipate situations that may produce negative self-talk.

Just as you take the time to script out what you are going to say on an important phone call or how you'll answers the tough questions during that vital job interview, take the time to write yourself a self-talk script for those difficult moments during your internal day. Identify the "trigger" situations in your life, situations that turn on the negative self-talk, and plan how you are going to react internally.

In emotional or stressful situations, when the "same old feelings" start bubbling up, put up your mental STOP sign, take a moment to breathe, and replace the negative thoughts with either positive statements, or at the least, neutral statements, such as, "I can think about this later."

Remember, you don't HAVE to react to the thoughts your mind presents you. It is a habit you can break with awareness. The moment you notice that it is just a THOUGHT and not a COMMAND you have a choice. You are in touch with your "observing self". That gap or moment of awareness allows you to notice the thought and CHOOSE to do what you have always done or CHOOSE to do something different.

Ask yourself, "Will I nurture my reaction, or choose my response?"

When you talk to yourself, make it in first person singular, speak only in the present tense, and never let any doubt or qualification sneak into your inner conversation. Don't wish for things; don't anticipate change as some future event or your subconscious will accept a future date and will do nothing to effect that change now.

To change your behavior, identify the results you want and state them in the positive present. If you want to do a great job in that presentation an appropriate affirmation might be, "I'm calm and relaxed speaking in front of an audience." To improve your tennis game, don't focus on improving little things; see yourself as a finished product. "I'm relaxed and confident on the court, focused on the ball, and playing each point one point at a time."

Pay attention to what you say to yourself, challenge your self-talk and see your future as an accomplished fact. Practice these things daily for two to three weeks and you will start to notice yourself making better choices in your self-talk. This will become a powerful force, when combined with action, to bring about the results you desire in your life.

Change the way you talk to yourself and you will change your actions and results. Confucius said, "The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large."