Playing Gotcha Doesn't Work

If I could wave a magic wand, and change something about how human beings interact with each other, I would eliminate "gotcha" forever.

What is "gotcha"? Before we talk about eliminating "gotcha", it is important to clarify just what "gotcha" is! "Gotcha" can come in many forms. In the verbal form, we know it more commonly as "I told you so," but "gotcha" can take on many other forms. "Gotcha" is not only noticing that someone makes an error, but using it against them. Sometimes the intent of a "gotcha" is to try and make someone feel bad about doing something. Or forgetting something. Or even breaking something. Regardless, a "gotcha," or an "I told you so," is essentially one person trying to exert power over another.

Here are a few examples:

Your sales manager promised to forward a report by Tuesday. After the due date on Thursday, you are in a meeting with the sales manager and his staff, and you point out to him or her that the report was not turned in on time, to make sure that he knew you knew. This embarrassed him in front of his staff. Gotcha!

You know that the vice president of your company requires PowerPoint presentations to be in color. You remind all the presenters that this is a fetish of the VP. At the meeting, one of the presenters uses a bland black-and-white PowerPoint presentation. You call him over at the end of the meeting and remind him in front of his peers that you pointed out to him that he should have used color. Gotcha!

You remind your spouse that he or she should always keep a quarter of a tank of gas in his or her car. The car is on E when you leave for an important event. Because you have to stop for gas, you are late for the event. You remind "spousey" that if they had kept a quarter of a tank of gas in their car you wouldn't have been late. "I told you so!"

You may argue that in all of these cases, the person was right. That's not the point. When these comments are made to put someone in his or her place, to exert superiority, to put someone in a corner, or to attempt to guilt trip the other person, it becomes a "gotcha".

All of the above issues can be addressed in a respectful, caring way. And we're not saying that they should not be addressed. They can and should be addressed in a collaborative, partnering way.

We have all it experienced situations when someone has put us in a corner, and left us no out. Or, how about situations where we have been embarrassed in front of our friends or our peers or our coworkers? Or, how about times when we have made honest mistakes, when we were not given the benefit of the doubt, rather made to feel bad because it happened. I think we can also remember how we felt about the person doing that. It was not positive, to say the least. And unfortunately, the memory of it usually lasts a long time, creating long term damage. That person was playing "gotcha".

Power struggles do not improve interpersonal relationships. More, they serve to destroy them. Usually, with a power struggle, one person wins, and the other loses. Sometimes we call this a win: lose situation. In this day and age of building collaborative relationships, playing "gotcha" just doesn't work. It tears apart relationships. It builds walls that are difficult to tear down. It creates mistrust. People who play "gotcha" are not being respectful -- they care more about themselves and how they appear than how the relationship will work.

Sometimes playing "gotcha" creates more "gotcha". In other words, sometimes people will try to get back at the person who victimized them. This creates even more tension.

Instead, my wish is that people in business and personal relationships will take the approach of giving others the benefit of the doubt. When they see relationships as partnerships, rather than competitions, synergy is built up. Collaboration requires mutual respect and trust. It can work, and does.

It is important to recognize that we are all human, and that people do make mistakes. How you relate to those situations can either energize or deflate the situation. It's your choice.

So the next time, you are considering saying "I told you so," my wish is that you don't...