Cruise Ship Entertainment - How to Get the Best and Forget the Rest

Pimp Up My Entertainment, Baby...

How to get the best seats in the showroom

How to avoid the sleepers

How to learn something (info-tainment)

Arranging private shows

How to get the best seats in the showroom -

Saving seats in the showroom is technically disallowed by the cruise lines - but people do it anyway. This is not a problem for experienced cruisers since we know that the saved seats are not likely to be the most desirable ones anyway. Intuitively, one would think that you would want to be right down front. Not so. The most desirable seats are in the balcony or near the back of the main floor. Why? First, you can sneak out without making a scene if the show is a real sleeper - something you'll definitely want to do right after the third chorus of "My Way". Secondly, the people down front are not only trapped for the duration - they are Comedian Fodder. No one looks forward to being the butt of the comic's jokes - or to being the sucker who surrenders his wedding ring to the Magician - only to have it wrapped in a marked up dollar bill prior to being stuffed into a lemon. So, unless you are a ham to the point of masochism, best to avoid the first ten rows.

How to avoid the sleepers -

We wish we had a rock solid "works every time" formula for you here - but we don't. Determining what constitutes good entertainment is such a subjective interpretation - so relevant to one's taste, mood and cultural background - you'll just have to follow the above advice on "best seats" to sample the various shows. You can always head off to the Dirty Dancing Contest in the disco if the first fifteen minutes of a show fails to wind your watch.

How to learn something (info-tainment) -

Higher Education, here we come! More and more lines are offering on board classes in venues that rival the most prestigious ivy league institutions. Cruise passengers can gobble up all the Brain Food they can eat - on such subjects as Culinary Arts, Wine Tasting, Investment Strategies, Ecology, Video Production, Computer Literacy (evidently there are computers out there that can't read or write) and so on. Some of these courses are free. Some have a cover charge.

Arranging private shows -

Hey, guys, I'd love to tell you that show girls from the chorus line can be hired to come to your cabin for a private lap dances. But, alas, it just isn't so.

First of all the cruise line wouldn't allow it. Secondly, the audience would most likely be limited to single passengers only. Otherwise, you'd have to have a very, very understanding spouse.

But here's a thought. Given the continuous roll out of new, outrageous and previously un-conceived-of activities like the zip line, climbing walls, specialty shops and themed night clubs - how long do you think it will be before some enterprising young cruise line entrepreneur will build a ship with a "Gentleman's Club" on board?

All it takes is a Scotch or two to bring the possibilities clearly into focus. The club would be complete with strobe lights, techno music and a stripper's pole - and located right next to the ship's chapel. Close proximity of these two seemingly conflicting venues would be a boon for two reasons:

A. It would facilitate the instant rehabilitation of club customers suddenly overcome with guilt. Full and immediate absolution would be possible before the spouse arrives on the scene.

B. All night participants in bachelor or bachelorette parties the night before a shipboard wedding would literally be able to crawl over to the next day's ceremony on hands and knees, should that prove necessary.

Sadly, it could be years before we see such a classy shipboard innovation. The interim solution - an on board Stripper Pole Rental service. Newlyweds would be offered a weekly rate...Senior Citizens a special discounted hourly rate. These easily portable units could be delivered to the cabin, setup then later retrieved by highly discreet room stewards.

Currently, the closest thing to "private shows" is what goes down at your dining room table every evening. These spectacles are courtesy of very talented wait staff - a waiter or bus-person with a bag full of close-up magic tricks, a comedian, etc. - as discussed in the Pimp My Dining Experience article.

Additionally, themed groups traveling together often arrange for private meetings, speeches and/or performances by their leader or Pied Piper during the cruise. (see "Simon Cowell School of Charm Cruise" on the Pimp My Cruise Fare article) Meeting facilities are usually provided to groups free of charge.

And, lastly - if you know someone who knows someone who has a brother-in-law who works for the cruise line - you may be able to arrange for private tours of the galley, engine room and/or navigation bridge.

If all else fails - see if you can get a staff member to invite you down to the crew bar. What's that like, you ask? Well, do you remember the inter-galactic night club scene from the Star Wars movie?