Expat Advice: Living With a Servant in Your Own Home

Not used to always being surrounded by a "stranger", you may feel deeply disturbed with a lack of privacy experienced when living with household helpers employed in Southeast Asia. Suddenly, there is at all times someone who knows our most private details and yet does not belong to the family. Quarrels are overheard, telephone conversations are not private, when we scold the children they watch us and when we hug our partner they feel embarrassed.

Many Westerners feel guilty being served and need to adjust to the fact that labor in Southeast Asia is cheap and maids are not just for the privileged. Many expatriates cannot resist the temptation to integrate a live-in maid into the family by inviting her to sit at their table and treat her like a family member.

They feel uncomfortable having someone so close around them and yet keep an emotional distance.

Maids, however, will be rather embarrassed being treated like close friends or family and will finally lose the respect necessary for such a relationship. They know their rightful place in the structure of your home and expect you to treat them like an employer treats her employee. Your home with servants must be compared to a small company with contracts, wages, rules and expectations on both sides. So accept your new position as an employer and behave accordingly. What you basically should avoid:

•    Sitting at the same table with your maid and sharing meals
•    Window-shopping with her and having lunch in a restaurant
•    Cooking for your maid or ironing her laundry
•    Treating her/talking to her like too close a friend or relative
•    Clearing the table or doing any other chores of hers
•    Asking for advice in educational or family matters
•    Having her sit in the back of the car when you are driving unless she sits with a child

The above listed behavior is very unusual in Southeast Asia and locals and sometimes expatriates will soon avoid those who act as such. You may be regarded as inexperienced freshmen who still have a lot to learn.


Cultural Interaction

The maid will go through a lot of emotional stress (including being homesick!) and will be very nervous. You must be very patient, repeat yourself several times if necessary and try not to create tension. Mistakes will still happen and you should never yell at her as this makes you lose your face and hers, which is to be avoided at all times.

If you see your maid laughing when things go wrong do not think she is funny. This is just the Asian way of expressing embarrassment. It is a good idea to make her feel relaxed by telling her some mishaps you had yourself and have a good laugh together. Eliminating all negative feelings by creating an environment of peace and security can be considered as a key phase when dealing with Asian domestic helpers. Frequent appraisal of progress will accelerate her learning curve and increase self-confidence while you may slow down any progress by creating tension and confrontation.

The Asian hierarchy demands from your maid never to interrupt you but instead to listen to you silently and never contradict. You helpers would rather do something wrong and even lie than compromise you and disturb harmony. You may realize that your maid is silently avoiding certain works she does not like until you give up which is a typical Asian way of solving conflicts.

Expatriates new to Asia misinterpret many gestures familiar in their Western culture. Nodding her head does not mean she is responding to your question with a yes, rather she is politely showing you her respect. A clear no does not exist in many Asian languages, and is often replaced with a word resembling our "perhaps". For instance, ask a Chinese, "Can you do this?" He will not answer "no" or "yes", but "cannot" and "can". It is crucial to find a way of corresponding to avoid misunderstandings.