7 things we know now that we wish we'd known then

I just got off the phone on a BIG conference call with some of the world's other top pick up artists and dating coaches. Toward the end of the call, we got to talking about "the old days," when we ourselves were first learning how to date and attract beautiful women.

It's funny because most of us agreed that we did it the wrong way. We made the process way longer and harder than it needed to be.

Part of this wasn't our fault. Resources that men take for granted today simply didn't exist five years ago.

Here are seven things top gurus know now that we wish we'd known then:

1. Measure skills, not results.

Men usually like results. You made $50,000 last year. You fixed up your dream car. Your team won. Your investments went up 15%. You slept with this many women, etc.

You can't do this with women and dating.

Being results-focused will actually hurt your game.

If your goals are phone numbers, dates or whatever, you risk coming across as needy. You will be approaching women obviously wanting something. Women can "smell" an agenda.

Your inner game and confidence will also suffer. If your goal is to take a hot girl home tonight but the hottest girl at the party has a photo shoot at dawn the next morning, what are you going to do?

Sure, you can make excuses and exceptions, but that's a slippery slope and will eventually make all of your goals meaningless.

Focus on what YOU can control and what YOU need to be working on. For example:

• Suffering from approach anxiety? - approach 10 women today.
• Avoiding mixed groups (men & women)? - approach 3 mixed groups today.
• Not naturally physically demonstrative or "touchy?" - touch (appropriately) every person you meet today within 30 seconds.

And so on...

1. Fashion and grooming matter - a lot.

Unfortunately, there are way too many people out there pretending that "looks don't matter."

Of course they do.

But, they matter in a different sort of way to most women than to men, and not just because they're not quite as important. It's also because women judge looks not only on a visual level, but also for what your looks say about your personality.

And that's mostly about fashion and grooming (mostly hair).

This is a GREAT thing about being a guy - you can go from ugly to attractive with the right changes to clothes and hair.  By "attractive" I don't mean you can get into fashion magazines. I mean "your appearance is enough to interest beautiful women."

Those are very different things. That's why I don't recommend you go shopping with women. Yes, they can make you look fashionable. But, they won't dress you to cut through the clutter and announce to other women: "I am a man with something to offer."

Use your clothes and grooming to tell women what kind of person you are - relate fashion choices to your identity. Take care of your appearance, especially the details, like shoes. Be in touch with yourself, dress appropriately but with a sense of purpose, or fun, etc. All of that is much more important to her, and to your "looks", than what you look like with your shirt off.

I've personally trained a couple of thousand men over the past 5 years  I can only remember two men who had something physical about them that would seriously get in the way of attracting beautiful women.

The odds are that, whatever your physical imperfections, there are tons of guys with less going for them than you have who are doing just fine.

This can be fixed in a day. So do it.

3) Being attractive to women isn't something you switch on and off.

I've seen lots of guys be one kind of person for 90% of the time and then attempt to be a pick up wizard the other 10%. It doesn't work.

To be a positive, outgoing, confident, relaxed, and interesting person when you meet women, your best bet is to focus on being that person all the time.

Trying to turn it on and off risks women seeing you as "acting" or "playing a role." You won't feel comfortable or natural, and that will show.

In other words, make dating and seduction techniques work for you. Don't try to become a different person to fit the techniques.

4) Change her mood, not her mind.

Women are generally not logical, at least as most men understand the term. This goes double in their social lives, and even more so when it comes to men and dating.

If you expect her to think and act like you, you're just going to be frustrated and disappointed (and miss out on the unique feminine aspects of her personality).

If the emotions are good, the logical side either doesn't hit her radar screen or is rationalized away. If she's enjoying the conversation, she doesn't care why you switched topics.

This also explains how a woman can spend hours over dinner explaining to some guy that she really likes men who are nice, who take things slow, who bring her flowers, etc... and then slip her phone number to a man who makes her feel (not think) attraction.

5) It's not the first thing you say - it's the second.

So many guys are worked up about what to say when they approach a woman, that it feels almost cruel to reveal this, but... what you say NEXT is much more important.

Sure, you can blow yourself out by approaching a girl and saying the wrong thing. "Can I buy you a drink?" and "It's sure loud in here" count as "wrong things."

This applies equally whether you "go direct" or "go indirect," or even waltz up to a woman and say something nonsensical (or even borderline offensive).

Of course, the first thing you say can blow you out.

But more likely, if you're getting blown out on the opener, it's a problem with body language and/or tonality. This is really hard to fix by yourself; get someone who knows what he's doing to watch your game and give you honest feedback.

6) Don't wait.

There's an old cliché that no one on his deathbed ever wishes he had spent more of his life in the office.

Well, no one ever wishes he could have had just another few months, or years, of not being able to get the girls he wanted.

Yes, it can seem overwhelming. And while it's easy to find excuses, you CAN make a priority for what's important to you. No matter how long, every successful journey always begins the same way - with a single step.

7) Make it fun!

I don't know where people got the idea that dating and attracting beautiful women was supposed to be some painful process.

Some people complain that they don't like bars and clubs (or a particular bar or club). This one's pretty easy. Go places you like, where you like the music and the atmosphere. This will also make you want to come back, and as you get to know people at a specific place, you have more opportunities to be "known" and have "social proof" there.

If you don't like bars and clubs, do day game. The same beautiful women that go out to clubs also go to malls, coffee shops, theatres, galleries, sporting events, and so on. Meet them there.