Answers for Singles... Off-the-Cuff

When I'm out on the road doing live interviews, talking about dating, divorce, and relationships, in all of these situations—I never know what's coming.  Sometimes, my book strikes a chord with an interviewer's life.  Then…the questions get interesting.  What I've learned is that the topics of breaking up, dating, heartbreak, and finding love are never far from anyone's mind.  It's either happening to them…or, someone they know.

Writing this while out promoting my book, Thriving After Divorce, here are some of the questions that gave me momentary pause.  I appreciated them because they came from a deeper, unscripted place in the interviewer, which challenges me to find… and trust… an unfiltered response.

Examples:

In 5:00 p.m. drive time radio in Texas, it started with, "Why did you write this book?"

I wrote it because we need to find a "better" way to do divorce in our culture. We need to let go of the shame, blame, and guilt and reach for something deeper within ourselves that calls upon us to grow.  We have to become big enough to allow the other person to be just the way they are and walk away with civility.  We have to grow ourselves big enough to include this experience to be a part of us…but not DEFINE us as simply being a "divorced" person.

Something in my answer plucked a heartstring in the host, and in a sad voice, out came, "But once you've been dumped – how do you ever learn to trust again?"  With that logical and very emotional question, I had to search my brain for 30 seconds to pull up the answer.  But when it came to me, I knew I had found the one that mattered, which was: "You have to learn to trust yourself first."

This answer, of course, calls upon you to do several things: take distinct planned actions to accomplish what you need to do for yourself, …and to be able to hear, listen, and respect your inner voice that comforts, congratulates, or warns you of potential danger you may be entering.  You have to do several things to be able to activate that voice:

You must be proud of what you're currently working on and trying to achieve.

You must learn to do the wise, courageous thing— not take the easy way out.

You must listen for your negative inner voice and re-frame it into a positive TRUTH.

Next question: "Where do you meet someone when you're over 40?"

This is a question everyone seems to want to know the answer to these days.  Even 30-year-olds want to know the answer to this question.  Here were my answers …straight off-the-cuff:

It's hard to do anything after 40 without networking. Whether you're looking for a house, a job, or a date— your best chance for success is to tell people what you want. It's just amazing how no one wants to speak up and ask for introductions.  The deal is: It isn't embarrassing unless you think it is. Actually, it's very smart. Network.

The Internet has increased your chances of meeting someone a hundred fold— probably more.  Sign up for two paid dating sites: one large and generic (like Yahoo) and one smaller and niche oriented, like to your age, interests, or religion.

Your personal choice in spirituality and the group of people in this area will help you meet others who share your values.  This is a strong avenue to follow.

Your hobbies and passionate interests will provide you with social possibilities— from lawn bowling to charity events.  Follow the thread of energy you feel for an activity that's fun or special to you and you will find other people there for friendships or dates.

Your work offers opportunities for classes, training, trade shows, conferences, meetings, and more.  Keep your eyes open for other singles when you attend these events and smile, be friendly, and talk.

"How do you get through a divorce?"

You get through any crisis by having something rock solid to stand on.  You need support.  You have to ask for help.  Don't be ashamed to tell people when you need to talk.  Get a counselor or a coach, check in with your doctors, and keep a strong group of professionals in your corner.  Following that, you need a plan of action for your new life.  Remember: it is in taking action that you will start to feel better. Take one major priority, like your career, and start making a plan today around what you want, what you will do, and when you will do it.  When you handle this, your other challenges will become easier to deal with.

These are my off-the-cuff answers for the week.  Stayed tuned to your local radio, TV, newspaper column, or newsletter for more.  You really can become…a SAVVY dater. And you deserve to have a life of love.