Competitiveness, Attention, and Security in a Relationship

Guys and women share what is known as the jealousy streak. Whenever there is a sense of competitiveness between you and another guy, jealousy strikes and behaviors turn ugly. This is so common that I could just write out the entire scenario and give you a jealous guy’s reaction verbatim.

Just because a woman is turning her attention away from you doesn’t mean that she is cheating. In fact, most women with enough freedom to have friends, yes male friends, rarely cheat. Those women who end up feeling controlled and manipulated are more likely to cheat.

The antidote to feeling jealous is security. So what if another guy, even if it is really a very good friend of hers, wants her attention in grander ways then he lets on. It becomes a totally moot point if you and your girl have a foundation of trust, honesty, and security not only in your relationship but in yourselves. Jealousy is really not a very attractive behavior.

Developing security starts with being secure with yourself. No matter how hot, attractive, sweet, honest, kind, gentle, or incredible that any woman is, why would you ever want someone to be with you when they don’t really want to be? If she makes the choice, every day, to stay with you and the two of you have a pretty balanced relationship, then you can be quite certain that she is going to make that choice every day that the relationship grows and maintains that balance. Blackmailing her into staying with you, emotionally manipulating her into staying with you, and acting like a jealous fool so that she “knows how much you care” are kind of based on backwards thinking.

Paying lip service to the idea that you only want her around if she wants to be around isn’t enough. Jealousy isn’t likely to disappear because you tell her one thing and hope that it stops her from hanging out around anyone that might be interested. You have to truly believe that you are worthy of a good relationship and that you want a woman, any woman, to wake up every morning and make the choice that she wants to stay in it. When you can get comfortable that security comes from you and not the feelings or lack of feelings that someone else might exhibit, then you have truly reached a new pinnacle of trust.

This is not an easy concept to internalize. In our history when people have either cheated on us or we have witnessed the cheating that has occurred to someone else, we see how easily we can fall victim to the action. If we’ve been cheated on, we’ve been betrayed and victimized. It doesn’t have to be all like that. We can look at the behavior, still maintain that we are secure in ourselves, and forgive the action while still deciding that we don’t want to be with someone who is so willing to lie to us. A lot of guys as well as women have to really focus on developing this aspect of themselves, partly because it goes against so many of the beliefs that we believe are true. If someone really loves us, we tell ourselves, they will never stray. This is not entirely accurate. It is possible for a person to feel deep and genuine love for us and to act against our wishes for a host of reasons. It is not cool, and there is pain, but worrying about it when it isn’t happening creates a relationship built on distrust. And most of us would really have a relationship based entirely on trust.

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