Dating Help For Men: She Will Not Get Rid Of Her Ex Boyfriend

Hey Doc,

Let me start by saying I love my girlfriend Saskia very much. However, she has an issue with contradicting herself. She proclaims that I am the only one for her, yet her actions sometimes say otherwise. And then when she is called out on it she always makes up some lame excuse to justify it.

For example, when we first started dating she was seeing some guy. It was nothing serious though (at least that's what she told me) and I was okay with it, seeing as though at that time we weren't in a relationship. But when we did get serious she had a hard time letting him go. I was very calm about it, always politely asking her to stop talking to him, but she still did it. She would report to me every single time they talked, which made me even more furious. She then justified that by saying she did not want me to get the "wrong idea, since they are just friends." I saw this as even more of an insult to my intelligence because before she knew me they were romantically intimate.

Now this nonsense was going on for at least four months of our relationship. Finally enough was enough and I decided to give Saskia an ultimatum: "Leave him or leave me." Finally she left him. We've been together for a year and some months now, but the same thing also happens when it comes to other issues. She hems and haws and says she's going to do something and then doesn't do it. We often argue about her communication skills and how she's not open enough with me, and she justifies it by saying she just wants me to like her.

So my question is this: why does she continue to contradict herself? Why did it take all that time for me to get her to dump her ex when she claimed she loved me so much? I hope you understand what I am saying. This is the first girl I've ever been in a relationship with and I want it to stay that way. Please help me because everyone else thinks I'm crazy.

Gavin - who sometimes feels scammed

Hi Gavin,

I know you love Saskia very much. The question is, how much does she love you? Because that's all that counts, man. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "If I saw her, I'd probably love her too." But what do her actions say? Do they say, "I love Gavin so much I can hardly stand it?"

So, Saskia has an issue with contradicting herself. I'm shocked! A woman who contradicts herself? I've never heard of such a thing! She says one thing and does another, huh? Gavin, this reminds me of an old story. Mrs. H takes her son Bruce to a psychiatrist. When the doctor asks what's wrong with the boy, Mrs. H says, "Well, he's always saying things that aren't true. What do you think the problem is?" And the psychiatrist ponders for a moment and answers, "Your kid is a liar!" Maybe that's Saskia's problem too.

Here's what you have to ask yourself: "Is this the only thing wrong with Saskia? How often does it happen?" And, most important of all, "Will I be able to live with it?" Some guys can live with the downside of a particular female, some can't. The whole idea behind "The System" is to identify the negative traits in a woman to see whether or not you can live with them.

Okay, Saskia was seeing a guy but she claims it wasn't serious. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "If it wasn't serious, then why was she seeing him at all?" You mean she's having an un-serious relationship with a guy, plus she's going with you, too? She's got some racket going, buddy.

It's really funny how when a guy has two or more girlfriends, he's a "player." When a girl does it though, she's just confused and wants to have friends. So much for hypocrisy, right?

But here's the most important point: if Saskia had a hard time letting this other guy go, you shouldn't have gotten serious with her. To you Psych majors, you don't get serious until the other guy is GONE -- for good. Sadly, this is what so many of you guys do. You give away the store and go along with all kinds of stuff that drives you crazy, and then you try and take your power back. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "It's too late when the horse is already out of the barn, boy!"

Nevertheless, you talked about the whole thing with her. Gavin, you NEVER talk about other guys with your girlfriend. And remember, anytime you ask a woman to do something, she's going to do the opposite. Are you sure you got my book?

Saskia hung on to this other guy because you didn't have the guts to walk out on her. Of course you were furious when she talked about him constantly. But I bet she didn't talk to him about you because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. And Gavin, please -- they're not ex-friends. They're ex-lovers.

But your tussle over the ex went on for a long time. And you went along with it. Remember, like my cousin General Love says, "There are no victims – there are just volunteers."

You gave Saskia an ultimatum? What were you thinking, Gavin? Ultimatums only work on women whose Interest Level is 95%. And, ironically, you don't have to give them an ultimatum! You can't force an ultimatum on a woman who has low Interest Level. Because you know what she'll say? "So what?"

Saskia doesn't have communication problems – she has telling-the-truth problems. I want you to be with a self-reliant, honest woman, pal, not someone who just talks and talks and talks and it's just a bunch of hot air.

When Saskia says she wants you to like her, it's Womanese for she wants you to put up with her inconsistencies and the fact that every time she says something it has nothing to do with reality. You got a big problem here, guy. But hey, as a modern male you have to loosen up and be more understanding. Uh, right.

This woman continues to contradict herself because that's the way she's built. It took her all that time to dump the other guy because she has low Interest Level in you. And here's something else to think about – you don't know if she's e-mailing her ex behind your back. She might still be in contact with him but just shuts up about him when it comes to you.

I understand that you want Saskia to be your only relationship, Gavin, but she's a kook. You don't really want to be stuck with a loon, do you? Like my cousin Brother Love over in Watts says, "Yo, dawg, the world is tough enough as it is!"

You're not crazy, my friend. You just have high Interest Level in Saskia and you have no idea what's going on in the relationship. Other than that, you're doing great!

Remember, guys: if she can't follow through on what she promises, you have to ask yourself why you're with her.