First Date Sex: Yes, No, or Maybe?

Everywhere I'm noticing new desire to get out and experience more: more love, more wealth, more satisfaction, more life. Maybe we're hoping to beat our economic doldrums and the mood they create. Or we're simply taking responsibility for what we want instead of just hoping it will happen.

Especially regarding love.

Some are in love with love, which means they are assessing not the potential partner nor the relationship potential, but jonesing to feel excited and desirable.

If you aren't looking for a permanent relationship in the near future, first-date sex may be acceptable assuming you use due diligence to avoid sexual disease transmission.

Be sure you both understand the transitory nature of this liaison. When one person thinks commitment, and the other thinks casual fun, hearts are broken and resentment grows.

Communicate what you expect, and don't assume the situation will change because of intercourse.

-Why have sex on the first date?

1. End awkwardness immediately. Worry, shyness, and awkwardness: gone. Bodily imperfections, the worry, and fear: dashed. You can really enjoy yourself. Or run.

2. Instant Smarts...maybe. You'll know more about whether you want to pursue this further, and whether your partner does, assuming he's honest. Help him by being honest yourself about expectations and asking directly about his early in your relationship.

3. Ego Boost. Having a man hot for you is fun, sexy, and a boost to your ego. It's also an experiment in which you learn more about you want and what you don't.

- Why not have first-date sex?

1. Sexually-transmitted diseases.

If it's too soon to talk about it with this hot stranger you've just met, then it's too soon to have sex. Talk or go.

2. Wounded ego.

After a negative encounter, your ego can sustain a shock. You get more info on what you want, don't want, and need to better understand, but it still hurts.

Yet you are in control of what you do with the information you receive during the encounter. One of my clients realized she had always been attracted to men she perceived as ambitious and strong, but often they demeaned her.

She realized in the past she had assessed demeaning behavior as strength and sureness. Now she interprets it as meanness, and runs in the opposite direction.

Today she dates a man confident enough to consider her needs and help her fulfill them. She says she defines strength in a healthier way.

3. The kiss-off or kiss-and-tell.

Either can hurt. The kiss-off is a sexual experience that you see as a love thang but s/he interprets as a simple roll in the hay. Maybe s/he knows that all along. Or maybe the morning after.

Use reliable protection, and a casual experience can be fun and educational. Enjoy it or don't participate in it. Know what you can handle.

And the kiss-and-tell?

Years ago, women who were good in bed were looked upon negatively. Now, not so much. It depends on attitudes in your social circle.

Before kissing, ask yourself how you'll feel about the telling. Consider your honest answer then decide.

Despite better education and financial opportunities for women today, many continue to be nurturers in every area of their lives. Some still work hard to please, satisfy, and placate their guys. Suddenly men's wants, needs, and agendas become theirs.

Once a man notices, the relationship may change. He may get turned off and wonder why she isn't confident enough to express desires of her own. Or he may like being the only one whose needs matter.

Both are undesirable situations. As a woman, let him know who you are, what you need, and what you'd like to give. As a man, ask and tell. Then enjoy each other. ©2008 by Wendy Lapidus-Saltz. All rights reserved.