If a person has an experience that is physically, mentally or emotionally traumatic, the mind deals with the situation in one of several different ways. Some people abuse alcohol, food, drugs or other substances to numb the feelings they have inside. Others mourn for a short period of time, restore their faith, balance and sanity, and somehow miraculously move on. But the rest of us left over, usually those who are very analytical and logical, have trouble processing deeply troubling situations. So, we replay the painful situation over and over again in our minds, searching for an answer. But the problem is, the answer cannot be found in the rational mind, because the problem is on an emotional plain. Therefore, the solution has to come from the heart, which needs to be healed and restored. Here is the step by step process I have adapted to end obsessive thinking about an Ex:
Step 1:
Don't take anything your Ex ever said or did personally, because nothing your Ex ever said or did was about you. Even if your Ex downright blames you for everything that went wrong in your relationship, realize their statement is only coming from who they are, which has absolutely nothing to do with the person you are.
Step 2:
However, not taking your Ex personally is a two sided coin. If during the heat of an argument you react and tell your Ex what an idiot THEY are, and how everything is THEIR fault, then it has nothing to do with them. Your statements only reflect the kind of person you are, which is a person who likes to blame and judge. This has nothing to do with your Ex. Therefore, consciously make an effort to be the person you are, regardless of how your Ex is behaving. Make a list of all the qualities you admire in others, for example: kindness, confidence, compassion, and respect. Chances are you already possess the qualities within yourself. Be very careful not to make statements that don't reflect who you are, even when you may be tempted to give into the hurt and anger you feel.
Step 3
Release your judgments and opinions by becoming friends with Death. As morbid as this sounds, realize that in 100 years, you and your Ex will likely be dead, and nothing you ever fought about will be remembered. If your Ex has the obsessive need to be right and argue with you about everything, give in to their whim and say, "You are absolutely right." Not only will this reinforce your relationship with Death and save you a tremendous amount of personal power, your Ex will find it impossible to argue with you because you are giving the non-verbal message that it really doesn't matter. As one my favorite authors Wayne Dyer once said, "Have you ever noticed how hard it is to argue with someone who isn't obsessed with being right?"
Step 4:
If the hurt and anger is overwhelming, distance yourself from your Ex completely. And no matter what, get on your knees and pray for your Ex every morning. Pray that your Ex will be granted all of the health, wealth and happiness you wish for yourself. Even if you are not a religious person, or you don't believe in God, the act itself is liberating.
In twelve step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, they are taught to pray for people they have a deep resentment towards. At first, you will not mean a word of the prayer. But if you say the prayer consistently for two weeks, you will come to genuinely mean it, and find that there is a part of you that realizes your Ex is just a human being, with their own imperfections, weaknesses and short comings. If you go deeper, you will realize your Ex may also be a very hurt and scared person - even if they outwardly seem very hostile, aggressive and manipulative. Of course, no matter what happened to your Ex in their childhood or even in their day to day life - it does not give them a reason to mistreat you. But by being aware of the fact that your Ex has a certain set of issues to deal with on their own time, it will help you replace the hurt and anger you feel with compassion and understanding.
Step 5:
Own your personal power. Because when you are who you are, regardless of the situation or circumstance that comes your way, then this transforms you into a very powerful person. This is the step that absolutely baffles your Ex, because by you being who you are, and not letting them get you down - it sends your Ex the non-verbal message that you are who you are and they are who they are. But most importantly, it tells your Ex that you are not going to take any of their crap! When you respond to your Ex's hostility with kindness, and your Ex's blame with compassion, it frustrates them to no end, because your Ex cannot get you to play their game.
Step 6:
Come to understand that you are doing all of this work for no other reason than to realize who you are, restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work in order to manipulate your Ex, and make them want you back, your Ex will subconsciously sense your intentions, because at one point or another, you will slip and let your intentions be known without realizing it. When this happens, you will give all of your power back to your Ex, and will have to start all over again with Step 1.
Step 6 is often tricky, because if you master each step up to this point, your Ex may very well want to reconcile. At the very least, your Ex will begin responding to the kindness you send their way in a positive fashion. But regardless if you want to get back together with your Ex, just be friends, or just get over the obsessive thinking - remember your sole purpose is to realize who you are, restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work just to manipulate your Ex into responding the way you want them to, it may work for a very short period of time. But I guarantee your Ex will pick up on the fact that your intentions are not genuine, and you will lose your personal power. Not only that, but when you genuinely become who you are, you attract the right kind of people to your life. And maybe your Ex is not the person you are meant to be with! And the only way you will know if you are meant to be with your Ex or anyone else is if you are genuinely who you are.
Step 7:
Forgive your Ex, no matter what they did or didn't do. Unfortunately, it may not be enough at this point to say, "I forgive my ex." And leave it at that. Forgiveness has little to do with words, and more to do with action. Before proceeding with this step, I recommend reading up on the topic of forgiveness, and reading heroic stories about the power of forgiveness. I once read a story about a woman whose daughter was brutally raped and murdered by a man that was eventually caught and sent to prison. As anyone can imagine, the woman spent years of her life in rage and obsession over what this man had done to her daughter. I am sure there are no words to express how much pain this woman was feeling. However, she somehow stumbled on a book entitled, The Course of Miracles and began reading about what the power of forgiveness could do for her. She started to pray for the man, and eventually sent him a letter, letting him know she had forgiven him for the actions he took against her daughter, even though she didn't condone his behavior. To make a long story short, the man wrote the woman back and apologized profusely. The woman felt compelled to see this young man in prison, and she held him as he cried during their first visit. To make a long story short, they became friends, and she became his number one advocate in attempts to release him from prison.
There are not a lot of people walking on the planet as courageous as this woman, but it is an extreme example of what is possible within each one of us. I thought about this woman before I reached out to my Ex with forgiveness in my heart. I sent a gift to my Ex and the woman my Ex left me for, which seemed to pale in comparison to this woman's story. Of course, it took me a little over a year to reach that point, and a lot of soul searching. To this day, I love my Ex with all of my heart on a platonic level. We live in two totally different cities, but still call and send each other emails on occasion as good friends.
I am also in a healthy relationship with someone I am deeply in love with. Next week will be our two year anniversary. I do not think I would be as happy and as deeply in love with this new person as I am now, had I not let go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment I once felt towards my Ex, which is another reason why forgiveness is so important.
A lot of people believe turning off your feelings for a person you once were in a romantic relationship with, or even hating them is a way to show that they are "over" the person. But I believe the exact opposite is true. When you are completely "over" a person, you really wish them nothing but the best - and you are totally detached emotionally from how they act or react. Another point to consider is the fact that love isn't real unless you loved your Ex for the person they are, not the person you wanted them to be. And just because the romantic relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean your Ex isn't a lovable person.
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Please help me , I almost commited suicide not to long ago. please anyone please help me get over him
Much love x
it's been nine months, so I don't think anything will.
i think what you wrote is so very true...
thank you.
-queen b
I am already dying, so I suppose it's time to finally meet death.
Thank you. I'm going to pray for her right now. It will be a bit easier since I still love her.
Great point!...
"...love isn't real unless you loved your Ex for the person they are, not the person you wanted them to be."...
It almost killed me emotionally, crushed my heart , but i had to step aside , inorder for her to solve her personal issues. It's really difficult to let someone go and realized you've found the right person you've been looking for but in a wrong time.
we were having dinner n i bought her a present for our 7 months anny..few days later
she say she wanted a breakup...i was like WHAT?i ask her why she wanted a breakup..she
said she wanted a single life...then she dun wan 2 get 2 involve in2 the relationship..
then i told her..isnt that what a relationship is all abt..getting 2 know each other more..and then she nvr reply back 2 me...soon after that i found out that inside her facebook, there was a guy holding her from behind and they were smilling..im like WAT??
Until now i dun understand her..she said she wanted a single life bt then she got another guy..she played timer with me or maybe the guy psycho her into breaking up with me..until now im still angry and sad...this article..yea it helps me bt then alot of question inside my head...bt yea...maybe shes not the one... :)
Im glad I got out it before we had kids or bought a house together.
ive just read this an its helped im feelin very low right now ive just split wit my fiance after 4yrs an a 2yr old daughter.....i love him completely an for 3yrs we were happy alto he did alot of childish hurtful things he waz very kind an generous an lovin also...but in the last yr my parents divorced after nearly 30yrs of marraige my mother met some 1 new an left my dad.....3wks later my old school friend killed himself an den me an my partner split so im havin a hard time dealin wit it all an i feel my whole world has been turned upside down an i feel very abandoned by my partner in de hardest part of my life yet......ur artical has made me feel more positive an im gonna log on an read it every time i feel down thanks x
I dont know if i can find the strength or courage to forgive, and pray for my Ex...but i know that sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...and because of this article, i will try...thank you =D
Great article
right thing. I was so happy that i do not know that i am making the biggest mistake of mylife. For the reason that i wanted him so much in m life, that i wanted him o stay with me for the rest of my life, i made all impossible things possible in a way that i will look pretty for him so that he will not leave me- i went spending my money just to make myself presentable to him- i buy things that would make me beautiful (cos i am not really beautiful) which is crazy. Everything I did was crazy trying to be presentable to him. All I did were crappy because I know that he loves for what I am. But in my mind, i should look good so that he will not leave me. In other words, i became crazy because of my love for him. But recently everything went bad, when he notices everything i say- that he was irritable of my actions and my words which during the past, he doesnt care to correct me. From that time on i can sense that something was going wrong. That the time has come that things will change. He told me that it is better for us to go on our own ways. I was hurt so bad because its so sudden. We were so happy for 6 years and in a wink of an eye its over. At first I was hurt badly. I even texted him to help me get rid of the ache-and to alk to me just to calm me down, but to no avail, we never talk from then on. So i tried to ACCEPT what happened to our relationship. I always prayed for his benefit, that he will find his true love in the arms of a balikbayan from the US. I felt sad and at the same time happy because ive learned that he is now involved with a balikbayan woman who was his ex girlfriend. I was sad and the same time happy because I know that this woman will help him improve his life financially which I was not able to give him. By the way, my ex is not financialy stable neither do i, so i was happy for him because he was able to be with someone who can help him in his life-financailly so that he could also help his family. My ex is a great dreamer that he dream of going to the states one day - and because of this maybe his dream will come true with the help of his balikbayan gf. I am so happy because i know that my ex will be happy now for if his dreams will be fulfilled- God knows how much i love my ex- until now and what i can only only offer him is the Love I have for him . I am now moving on- and always praying that my roni will always be happy for the life he has chosen and i am so thankful that God had given me a part of his life for six years that i will treasure for the rest of my life. Now, the love I had for him before still there cos i believe in fate. I will be happy i even for one day i could see him wthout noticing me. God Bless everybody..
Thank you and God bless you.
what would life be like without love, and loss that is? its what makes life beautiful- we are feeling therefore we are living.
we had been together for about 8 months.
she was really a good person at heart, but at times, completely crazy.
the troubling thing is the fact that she'd been thinking about leaving me long
before this happened.
she's stressing for me not to call her, which i won't because i have no desire to.
the after effects of this breakup haven't even hit me yet. i'm afraid of losing
control of myself. this article really helps alot though. not to mention seeing
all of you people in a similar situation.
i really hope she doesn't call me randomly.
then this whole cycle of crap will repeat itself all over again.
i have to let her go.
we'll both be happier that way.
i hope i don't put my walls back up again.
i tried so hard to bring them down for her and when i finally opened my heart it
got stomped on.
be strong everyone.
we can get through this.
find a good friend and go have a few laughs.
that's what i'm going to force myself to do every weekend.
maybe i'll get back into writing and working out.
being back on the market might not be such a bad thing.
i just don't want to think about her with another guy...
omg that really irks me
I dream of her, I still feel love for her, I have tears from missing her still after all this time... no matter what I do.. I can not foget/let her go.. I miss her so much... I love you and I miss you so much Shelley..
I was 13 & my boyfriend was 15, i broke up with him because we were fiqhtinq. But i was so in love with him. it took me nine months to qet over him. but now theres a new problem for me
& this artical helped me a qreat deal, thankx.
My ex and I were together for 2 1/2 years, engaged for 1 of them. She left me after I kicked her out of the house, and I regret that decision to this day. We hadn't been single for two weeks until I discovered she had already started a relationship with a close friend of mine.
I never wished for any of this to happen. Clearly, she didn't love me as much as I love her. Your article is very well written and has helped me move on a little.
Thank you for taking the time to write it.
ive recently split up with the girl i was with after a 4 year relationship.ime almost 22 now and feel like theres no hope or point to do anything with myself as ime so used to always doin it with her.we mutually decided to break up a few months ago n stay frends which worked out great but recently wen i was away visiting family she went cold hearted and blamed me for everything that went wrong which caught me off guard and had me baffled.lots of words were exchanged that hurt but in the end i had to tell myself she doesnt love me nemore.ime making the same mistake of blaming myself n giving in to all da fings she sed,but after reading this article it has really helped me realise that its not anyones fault,it just wasnt meant to be.its true,love isnt about changing someone for how u want them - it should be unconditional.praying is probably the first thing i am gonna do. thank you
all my friends talked about him so, trying to relive myself of him, i stopped talking to them,
its the summer so i could just say that my phone was off.
i feel gross inside,
its kind of feels like it happened a few weeks ago?
i have felt the same way for a long time,
depressed, sick, and i think about him all of the time none stop,
i tried every thing,
letting it all out,
but there wasnt an all,
there wasnt enough water in my body for an "all".
h e s moved on a long time ago,
new girl friends come and go, like it wasnt a big deal,
and me,
n o one
when i think i of love i think of him,
its unhealthy,
and i cant talk to any one about it, because its dumb to talk about it 8 months later,
then i talked to him and i told him how i felt and then he said he felt the same,
then a rumor went around about us,
he freaked out and now he hates me,
for no reason....
i dont know what to do please help
Either way, this article has given me hope that one day I can be free of the baggage, and happy with who I am destined to become.
Thank you for that.
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