Infidelity: Why Does it Happen in Relationships?

Infidelity in a relationship can be devastating, not only to the person being cheated on, but also the cheater. The cheater not only cheats their partner, but themselves. When one has been cheated on, they are confused and have many questions as to how this could happen. Even the cheater may not understand their own behavior. The pain and confusion caused from infidelity can last a long time, sometimes even a lifetime. Sometimes a relationship can be mended after infidelity, but it's important to understand why it happened in the first place.

The dynamics in a relationship are created between two people. Both or either parties may bring negative aspects into the relationship that cause it to erode. No one is perfect, in or out of a relationship, but the cheater is solely responsible for making the decision to cheat.

The cheater may not be unhappy with the relationship at all. With others, there is obvious signs of relationship distress. Why does infidelity occur in either? My belief is that there's something missing within the individual - something that's never been corrected or something new that has surfaced.

From insight and observation towards those I know who have cheated, most have low self-esteem, the dire need for attention, the need for acceptance, a sexual addiction or use cheating as a form of escape.

We can combine low self-esteem, the need for attention and acceptance into one category. No matter how well the cheater's partner treats them, no matter how good the relationship is, they need a larger "audience" to boost their ego. This is a very false boost, but the cheater doesn't realize that until he/she is left even more empty by cheating. Sometimes they escape this emptiness by finding another and yet another, "flavor of the week" to cheat with. It becomes a vicious cycle for some in order to have that constant boost. This type hasn't developed a healthy sense of "self", nor a firm belief system upon which to stand through all decisions in life. More than likely this ground work was set up early in life. They have issues that have never been corrected and unfortunately they overlapped into the relationship in the form of cheating. Some may seek acceptance and attention because of never having had it from a parent. Even though the partner loves and accepts them in every way, they are still haunted by the past and forever searching to fill that internal hole.

Then there is the sex addict. Just like a drug addict, the sex addict isn't thinking about the destructive consequences to themselves or others. Their focus is driven by the addiction. The sex addict may not have shown any signs before the relationship, but little by little the signs are noticed. The signs may be seemingly small at first such as closing out web pages when their partner comes into the room - a possible sign they view porn and feel the need to hide it. They may go out of their way to hide masturbation from their partner. They often have a secret life that their partner doesn't know about until the signs start to add up. The knowledge that a person is living with a sex addict can be very painful. The partner is often cast away while the addict chooses venues elsewhere.

Enters the escapee...when a person can't deal with reality very well, they often escape by cheating. Just like some people escape to drugs or alcohol, some escape by playing in the fantasy world. It may be due to stress from work, family or internal unhappiness. Instead of analyzing the root of their problem, they seek a quick "fix" by cheating. They feel better. They escape, at least for a moment, into a world that feels good, instead of dealing with reality. Sometimes it's a matter of escaping themselves. They hate themselves so they seek "something" that will make them feel better, temporarily.

There are those who say that a cheater seeks what they are lacking from their partner. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "if you keep your partner happy at home, they won't cheat". I don't buy into this because if a person is unhappy, they have the responsibility to work it out with their partner. You don't enhance a relationship by going outside of the relationship. You enhance it by being mature and respectful enough to work on it inside of the relationship. The cheater is the one who makes the decision to cheat. It's a choice they own - period.

If you notice, most cheaters don't upgrade from their partner, with those they are cheating with. I believe this is because they gravitate towards those they feel in alignment with. They hate themselves and they find someone they feel an equal to.

Problems can be brought into the relationship by both parties, but the cheater owns the decision to cheat. They also own the opportunity to fix whatever issues lie within themselves or the relationship. Some relationships will be broken forever after infidelity and some can be mended. It depends on the two parties involved.