Love's Mysteries

For many, the act of falling in love is a mystery. For one, you often end up hating the very behaviour that you first found so charming. For example, when you first fell in love you were attracted to your partner's sense of independence, which you found maddeningly irresistible. Now, that same independence hurts you because your partner does not come home on time. Or you were attracted to your partner's successful approach to life, and now their organisation and hard work looks rigid, controlling and boring. Or at first you might have seen your partner as happy-go-lucky, and now the same behaviour seems lazy.

One of the reasons we flip-flop from love to hate is that we are attracted to characteristics that are opposite from our own tendencies. This pull towards what is different creates a love-hate attitude that can be confusing and painful. Partners often go to counselling centres complaining about each other in equal and opposite ways. One is too rigid, while the other is too loose.

It is these very differences that create tension. You may blame your partner for being 'wrong' or blame yourself for picking the wrong partner, or think 'if only my partner would behave differently, all these problems would go away.' Instead of getting frustrated and trying to reject your partner's difference, you could look at it as an opportunity to grow as a couple. There is great power in the mystery of falling in love. We need it. We want it. And when it happens, we feel swept into a peak-life experience. And then when we crash we wonder what actually went 'wrong'. Couples need to understand that relationships are not accidents. We need to work on the same. In most cases, we seek in our partner that part of ourselves we most long for. We move towards people who challenge us in our most conflicted areas.

And when we fall in love with them, in the back of our mind we hope that our innermost needs will be fulfilled and that we are now going to become complete. However, the actual process of healing these internal pains is not so easy. And so, instead of relief, you feel betrayed by false hopes that make you want to lash out at your partner for failing to fulfill these hopes. Instead of turning against your partner in resentment and disappointment, you can reach towards your partner as an ally. Instead of demanding a saviour, who magically releases you from all your woes, you need to revise your expectations to a more realistic level and work together towards mutual healing.