Men and Commitment: Why He Won't Take the Plunge

As a dating and relationships expert, I get asked a LOT about how to get a guy to commit.

Before giving an answer, I have to ask them a question first:

"How does he feel about you?"

If your guy loves you and you know it, then you have nothing to worry about. Some guys are simply scared of commitment, or they're not ready to make the leap.

If you judge him for this … if you think that makes him indecisive or childish … then - I hate to say it - but you are being naïve.

COMMITMENT IS A BIG ASK

Commitment is a big step for ANY of us.

It's risky. You need to be absolutely sure of what you're getting into before you do it.

Just loving one another isn't enough. You have to be sure that you can spend the rest of your lives together.

That means you have to be able to live together without getting on each other's nerves, manage your finances without fighting about how you spend money, and have similar ideas about the future: whether you'd like to have children, where you'd like to live, how much money you'd like to make, what you'll want to do on vacation, and so forth.

It's pretty big stuff! And the consequences for getting it wrong are major.

For example, if you have a child together and then split up, he knows he's going to be stuck paying child support for the next 18 years.  Men think about things like that. It doesn't mean they're not romantic; it just means they're practical. Their future is at stake, and they know it.

But all too many women believe that a man's lack of commitment means that he doesn't love her.

"If you really loved me," she thinks, "you'd want to be with me forever."

But a man doesn't think like that.

He thinks that he proves his feelings for you every day. Just being with you is proof of how he feels about you. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't love you.

Commitment is something else entirely.

HOW MEN UNDERSTAND COMMITMENT

For some men, commitment is like a business contract.

He wouldn't go into business with his best friend just because they share a bond. Similarly, he's not going to legally marry his life with yours until he's sure that it makes sense on all levels.

Other men don't treat commitment as a decision but rather as a gut feeling. They look at the woman they're with, and they can EITHER see themselves with her forever…

…Or they can't.

That doesn't mean these men can't date or fall in love or even live with a woman. After all, they can't be expected to remain "single and sexless" just because they haven't met The One yet, can they?

But it does mean that you have to be honest with each other.

Ask him the question:

"Can you see yourself with me in twenty years?"

Create a safe place for him to be honest, because most men will try to get out of answering that question in order to avoid hurting you.

If he can't see it, then you know where you stand.

You can stay with him out of convenience, but this is a man who will leave you someday … unless something changes.

There ARE things you can do to change his mind at a subconscious level, but I explain those fully in my book, Connect and Commit: Taking Things to the Next Level of Commitment Without Screwing It Up!

For still other men, the idea of commitment goes against some of their most deeply-held beliefs.

These men may come from broken homes, or they may have been burned by a divorce or separation. Regardless of where they got their ideas from, their belief system will pose a major challenge to you when it comes to changing their mind.

You will know when a man objects to commitment on principle. He will make fun of friends who've gotten hitched, joking about the "ball and chain" of marriage. He'll applaud friends who get divorced, offering to take them out on the town. His freedom will be very important to him, and he'll resist your efforts to cut into his free time.

For these men, a wedding ring is proof of failure. They've built their identity on being a bachelor, and they truly believe that a committed relationship will require them to give up their freedom, become hen-pecked, and lose their manhood.

But even these men can change.

Unfortunately, changing their mind has nothing to do with you being an amazing person.

Don't take it personally. This isn't about YOU. You could be the most incredible partner on the planet, and it still wouldn't change his mind.

What needs to change is his BELIEF SYSTEM.

He needs to see that commitment opens up new doors for him, doors that he wants to walk through.

Sometimes, this happens naturally as a man gets bored of his bachelor lifestyle. He feels himself getting older, and his values start to shift.

Other times, this shift happens as a result of being exposed to new ideas, such as going to a workshop on personal development or reading a book about what it means to be a man.

If you're with a man like this, pressuring him to change his mind will just entrench him deeper in his ways.

So what should you do?

If you're okay with having a bit of fun and you don't need a committed relationship right away, by all means stay with him and enjoy yourself. Men like these are often a great deal of fun. They're exciting, dynamic, independent, and interesting.

But don't give up your own life for him, and make sure you maintain your own friends, interests, and income.

If, on the other hand, you don't have time to wait for him to "get it" … and the excitement of being with such a charismatic, powerful man is wearing thin … then I recommend that you leave him.

Surprised?

There is great power in being the one to end a relationship. A man like this may have never been dumped before. And who knows? Maybe it will jolt him out of his selfish frame.

Then again, maybe it won't.

He may just get a new girlfriend right away. If that's the case, you've made the right decision in leaving him. Let him toy with her like he toyed with you. You deserve more from a relationship than a man who gives you a good time. You deserve a man who sees you as his equal, who opens his life to you, who changes his life for you.

COMMITMENT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A WIN-LOSE SITUATION

When a man tells you that he wants to marry you, it's the most incredible feeling in the world. This man is giving up one of his primary sources of power as a man - his sexual freedom - for you.

But this isn't just about you being amazing. It's also about HIM being ready to make the next big step in his life.

He is ready for marriage and commitment, and you happen to be the right woman in his life at the right time.

So, if you're wondering why the man in your life won't commit, try to put yourself in his shoes.

He may love you very deeply but not understand why he has to be punished because he won't commit.

For him, this is a win-lose situation where, if you win a wedding ring, he loses his freedom. Are you willing to make him lose just so you can win?

Search your heart and ask yourself why his love isn't enough for you. Maybe you don't need commitment after all to be happy. Then again, maybe you do, and maybe he will never be the man that can give that to you.

A wedding ring is just a shiny bit of metal. Is it really worth all this stress, anxiety and arguing?

Your heart knows the answer.