"My Girlfriend Won't Stop Talking to Her Ex."
By Otto Collins
Jason's girlfriend remains close to her ex. She texts, e-mails and calls him. She meets him for lunch regularly. The other night she went with him to a party while Jason was working late on a big project for his company.
For awhile, Jason was okay with his girlfriend maintaining— what she argues is-- a friendship with her ex. He figured that this was better than her being bitter and angry about her past relationship.
Pretty soon, however, Jason was bothered by the amount of interaction that she and her ex regularly have. Jason has met his girlfriend's ex and he's a nice guy. The man even assured Jason that he's not intending to break them up.
But...
Jason continues to worry and feel jealous of the bond that his girlfriend and her ex seem to have. He is concerned that they could easily move back to being more than "just friends," if they haven't already done that.
If your woman is still friends with or has regular contact with her ex, you might be grappling with some of the same concerns as Jason. You may want to show how "cool" and "open" you are, but the amount of time that she spends communicating with her ex could be upsetting to you.
Maybe you've already made it clear to your partner that you're not okay with her interacting at all with her ex. Perhaps you've demanded that she cut off all contact with him. Maybe she's honored your demand and maybe she hasn't.
It's evident that pretending that you're okay with her communicating with her ex when you're really not cool with it isn't going to help your relationship. This will only breed resentment and tension between the two of you.
At the same time, if you want a close relationship and you make demands or set an ultimatum that she stop talking with her ex "or else," this is most likely going to cause real damage to your connection.
Get clear about what's going on.
First and foremost, it's really important for you to separate out what's really going between your girlfriend and her ex from what you are guessing or fearing is going on.
Go over the tangible proof that you have about the nature of the current situation-- don't focus on what happened between them when they were together
If there is reliable evidence that their relationship is more than just friends, you're probably going to want to make some decisions about what you will do next. Will you stay in the relationship? Will you confront her about this? What will she need to do to start to prove she's trustable again?
If there is NOT reliable evidence that their relationship is anything more than just friends, this is good to remind yourself of.
Get clear about why you're bothered.
If you have no reliable evidence that your girlfriend and her ex are anything more than just friends, it's time to better understand why you're bothered by their interactions.
It could be that you struggle with jealousy. It might be that you worry about what will develop between them in the future. Maybe you are concerned about what other people will think.
Get curious about why this bothers you as much as it does. This information can help you to know what to do next.
If you're jealous, try to get clear about what is at the root of your jealousy. Is it insecurity? A past experience with a former partner who cheated? You own past lying or infidelity?
Create agreements that you both can live with.
Now that you have a better understanding of what's actually going on between your girlfriend and her ex and you also know more clearly why you're so bothered by this, the two of you can create agreements.
Be sure that you both know that any agreements you reach need to be honestly and whole-heartedly agreed to by both of you. If you can really listen to one another, it will be easier to come up with some resolutions that you both truly agree to and will follow.
If one (or both) of you only says "Yes" to an agreement in order to placate or please the other one, chances are high that the agreement will not be honored and followed through on.
It's wise to not only create agreements about what is appropriate and what is not when it comes to the interactions your girlfriend will have with her ex, it's also helpful to look at the bigger picture too. What are some agreements you two could make that address the disconnecting habits in your relationship?
If, for example, your girlfriend is turning to her ex for attention, openness or support that you aren't giving her, acknowledge this and make some changes. You two might create agreements about spending more time together really connecting and listening to what you each need.
Questions and Answers
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