Relationship Drifters

Copyright © 2010 by John D. Moore. Ph.D. Chicago Therapist

Have you ever paused to consider why some folks are able to remain in long term relationships, while others seem to move from one person to the next, often at a frenzied pace? To get the answer to this question, it might be helpful to focus on the human phenomenon of Relationship drifters. Typically, a "drifter" is a person who will quickly float from one romantic relationship to the next, with the defining characteristic of suddenly cutting off a blossoming romance before things have the chance to become "too serious". Unfortunately In the drifter's wake, the person left behind is left holding an emotional bag of confusion, sadness and hurt. 

As a counselor, I am privy to the dating stories from drifters, with the chief complaint often being, "I am having difficulty finding the right guy".  As I listen to their sincere frustration as they go over their relational histories, I eventually ask clients to consider something that I have come to term: The Law of Intent. Before I speak more about this "Law", let me share an e-mail from a reader that I believe helps to provide a more concrete framework. 

"Dear John: I'm in the military and 22 years old.  I love boystown to death my problem is I go to the club meet the hottest guy in the club and take it from there. I try very hard not to do one nightstands. I pretty much keep them around for awhile but then become bored with them after month. A lot of people say I'm a nice looking person but I don't want that to be my downfall. I have so much more to offer than sex. Can you give me a little advice please?" 

As we can see from what this young reader shared, his singular intention is to meet the most attractive person he can find ("Hottest guy") when out at the bars  and then see what happens ("Keep them around"). 

Let me just say that there's nothing wrong with wanting to connect with someone who is physically appealing and if we are honest with ourselves, we will concede that looks are important. However, it is essential to note that if our singular focus (intent) as it relates to romance is to connect only with those possessing a certain characteristic (i.e. most beautiful person at the bar), then we may be doomed to a repetitive cycle of short-term, "intimacy-lite" relationships. Perhaps unintentionally, we end up hurting folks who have developed strong feelings for us during the short lifespan of the relationship. 

And so without further adieu –

The Law of Intent 

That which we intend to seek, we ultimately attract. That which we attract was intended.

This is not a complicated law. Let me give you an example. If my intent is date someone who only, let's say, makes "six-figures", then I will attract those who are generally looking for the same. In this scenario, a never reachable groundswell of expectations has been set for both parties, given that each person is looking to possess that which the other does not have to give.  On the flipside however, if my intent is to date someone who shares my interests and life goals, then I will ultimately attract those to me who share that intention too. 

If this were a mathematical equation, it might look like this: I=sa squared (I=intention x the square speed of dating those that we attract) The answer to the equation largely depends on our intent. The more singular our focus on a given characteristic in a person we are searching for when dating (i.e. six figure salary), the higher number of dating experiences we encounter, which paradoxically causes us to drift. When we change the intent to more abstract intents (i.e. shared interests and life goals), the lower number of dating experiences will occur, which increases our chances of being in a longer term relationship.

Many serial daters believe the old adage that "dating is all about a game of expectations". The truer reality however is that romance and dating are all about what we attract based on our intentions.  There are of course valid exceptions to the "law of intent" such as desiring to be with someone who is financially and emotionally stable – so it might be helpful to think of what has been presented here (the law) as more of a universal constant.

And so the young man's e-mail that I shared with you earlier in this column hopefully illustrates a greater point regarding relationship drifters. In fact, his problem is easy to identify once we understand the law of intent. Can you see how his pattern has morphed into a relational cycle? More important, can you relate as a drifter or as a person who has dated one? My hope here is to impart some information that I hope will cause you to reflect upon your own intentions as it relates to dating and perhaps, gain new insight into the wonderful experience called love.