Six Ruthless Rules... for First Dates

Dear Tonja,

A friend of mine recommended you as a relationship expert. I would like to hear your opinion regarding my problem. I am 30 years old, single, university degree, with a nice career. I always knew how to handle my career…but not my relationships.

I met a man at a company meeting. I noticed that there was a spark and interest on his side. However, I transferred to another branch. After 6 months, I wrote to him, a business mail, like I have to ask something…He replied that he would love to help me, and that if I am around, to call for a drink.

I said if he invites me, I can be “around”...He called me for coffee, but later, he proposed a drink at his place instead--which I accepted. I accepted this because I trusted myself and him. What happened was, he seemed to really care. We had some drinks and talked. He said that “they” missed me at the meetings after I left; and I took this as, “I missed you.”

I got confused by his sitting close to me… He started kissing me. He was persistent. You can imagine what happened. I left the same night. The next day I was totally confused about what I did!

He said if he was free on Sunday (he was expecting guests) he would call for dinner. He didn’t as his guests were there still. On Monday, I emailed and asked him how his weekend was, and also mentioned that I had to clear my head from what happened on Friday. He replied, saying that his weekend was good, and he will be extremely busy the coming week: He also said, “I thought you liked Friday.” Then I wrote: yes, in some way I liked it, but I broke my intention to just meet, talk, and be friends.

He didn’t answer after that and it’s been 6 days… I think he likes me, but I am not sure what to do. I do not know why I give such confusing signals when I like someone! Could you give me any advice for getting better? Should I call him? Did I give him the wrong signals, or is he not interested anymore?

Confused

Dear Confused,

You are addressing some universal questions: what did I do wrong? And, what should I do now? What can be confusing in a situation like this is if you feel the chemistry and a rush of emotions for someone, and you think it’s mutual. When he is saying all the right things, you can make incorrect assumptions.

That said, here are my thoughts, gathered from coaching clients through countless heartaches and reading all possible research. It may sound old-fashioned, but it holds true over and over:

Rule #1: NEVER sleep with a guy on the first date.

If you want to see him again or hope to establish a relationship, your chances of his valuing you fall astronomically when physical intimacy happens too soon. Research has determined that the longer you wait to sexualize a relationship, the better your chances for a serious romance.

Rule #2: NEVER go to a guys place on a first date.

You are putting yourself at risk. You don’t know what to expect and there is too much room for him to misinterpret your actions. Great conversation, a little too much alcohol, and poor boundaries can lead to a bad choice.

Rule #3: Guys want to feel special.

A guy likes to know that he is special to you and that you don’t want just anyone. You only want him. He can’t know that if you get intimate too soon.

Rule #4: You get ONE call.

Research shows that if a guy doesn’t call you within 24 hours, there is a 75% chance he never will. You only get one call because after that, you lose your dignity. But if you think you sent confusing signals, you can see if that was true. If he does not make any gestures to contact you after that, let it go.

Rule #5: Remember your boundaries.

A boundary is a healthy line you draw between you and another. If you cross the line too soon, before you know him, it’s inappropriate. Trespassing over boundaries, saying yes when you need to say no, almost always ruins a relationship.

Rule #6: Never play games.

If you ever see him again, you don’t need to act cold and aloof. Be pleasant but stay way back behind your boundaries. This is how to reinstate some measure of self-confidence. Take care of yourself in the future, with a new bank of insight, self-esteem, and relationship wisdom.

Now, it’s time to realize you are human. Every human being longs for connection to another, and makes errors along the way. Just as you would not be critical of a good friend who had gone through this experience, go easy on yourself. Get over this guy and get on with your life. Someone wonderful waits for you…and you deserve him.

Very best to you,

Tonja