Stepping Into the Dating World: It’s More Than What to Wear

You've probably had this conversation with yourself: "Dating? Me? Again? I thought I was done with that. I won't even know how to act."

The good news is that you're an older, wiser, and more experienced person than you were the last time you ventured into the land of dating. And … you've come to this website, which proves you are willing to take a look at yourself and possibly learn different ways of doing things. Good for you.

It's always best to prepare for eventualities instead of dealing with situations when you're in the middle of them. This can be said about buying a new car or house and even more importantly, before you start dating or make a commitment to someone. Once you've read our articles about dating and seeking relationships with connection and attachment, you will likely pop into the dating world with your eyes open and mind sharp. You'll find information that will encourage you to make self-improvements, and you may also find ways to sort through the personality traits of others you come in contact with.

Getting past the past

How we were treated in our childhood, or how we perceived we were treated, can affect our connection or attachment to others when we are adults. The connections and attachments we're talking about are emotional and are manifested by feelings of love, caring, loyalty, common interests, etc.

It's not so far off the mark to suggest that most of us, when it comes to intimate relationships, may be children in grownup bodies, acting out in very specific ways that had their origin in childhood. This applies not only to those of us who are emotionally unattached or perhaps "clingy", but also to those of us who are happy, well rounded and trusting. An initial goal might be to evaluate yourself and see if this could possibly be true for you. If it is, then the next goal may be to focus on cultivating adult behavior and decisions. It's worth a try!

What happens when we are neglected, ignored or abused as a child? As we grow, we may find ourselves protecting our vulnerable feelings and emotions so that we feel safe. We've been hurt before, and we know what it takes to protect ourselves. We may feel safe, but what about that empty feeling inside; and what about the needs of those around us? Many of us go through our existence emotionally unattached to others and feel powerless to trust or do life any other way.

The elusive pony

But, you might say, I wasn't abused, neglected or ignored when I was little. My mother was a good mom and my dad seemed like a loving father. Yet I find relationships to be difficult. How can this apply to me? And what can I do to improve my future relationships?

Even those of us who may consider ourselves "well adjusted," can still learn about attachment problems. If we peek inside ourselves first, maybe we can understand our parents, friends, and children and of course our intimate relationships better. So, let's do a little digging. Start by considering the young rich girl who always wanted a pony. She grew up angry with her parents because, though they could surely afford to buy her ten ponies, they didn't. We may all snicker at this, but take into consideration that her pain seems just as real and difficult to deal with as the pain of another person who has been neglected or abused. To explore how this can work, read about two sisters, Jennifer, the oldest, and Erin.

Jennifer: One of the most frustrating things I remember from my childhood is that Mom insisted I walk two blocks home from school every lunchtime. She'd plop me down in front of the TV with soup and a sandwich (usually grilled cheese) to watch cartoons while she worked in the kitchen. By the time I got back to school, recess was over and I missed out on playing with my friends. No tetherball, kickball etc.  What really frosted me was when Erin started school and Mom sent her off with a lunchbox. Erin always was Mom's favorite.

Erin: I remember when I was a toddler and I'd watch Jennifer sitting behind the TV tray when she'd come home for lunch. Mom always has treated her like some kind of princess. What did I get for lunch? A goofy lunchbox with a p&j sandwich, an apple and chips.  Mom never once arranged for me to come home to be with her for lunch.

One day when Jennifer and Erin were grown, they sat around the kitchen table visiting with their mother. They always teased one another when they got together, and this day they were talking about elementary school. When Jennifer voiced her feelings about eating lunch at home every day, Erin countered with how she had to take a lunchbox. Their mother started laughing. The women waited for their mom to explain. She wiped her hands on a dishtowel and sat down across from them. "I made lunch for Jennifer at home because we couldn't afford a lunchbox, and I thought my hot meals were more nutritious. By the time you started first grade, Erin, the news was full of children abducted on their way home from school, so I packed a lunch for you to keep you safe." The sisters looked at each other amazed.

Do you think things changed once Jennifer and Erin found out the truth of their lunch experiences? Not really. It actually wasn't the truth of their experiences that mattered or made the difference, but how they felt at the time.

How did we get so messed up?

Here are the main events that cause anxiety in children:

• Conditions the child experiences: This includes hunger, illness, exhaustion, injury, and being too hot or cold. It also includes emotions, which lead into the second cause.
• Conditions that involve the caregiver. Quite often children's emotions are roused by what is going on with their caregiver. If the caregiver upon whom the child depends is: gone, leaving, angry, giving attention to someone else, or is simply reserved and unapproachable, the child will feel anxiety.
• Conditions caused by the environment. Children (as well as adults) tend to feel anxious when a natural disaster strikes, like a tornado or a serious storm. Criticism will also make a child anxious, whether from a caregiver or another person.

When events spark a child's anxiety, he or she will often try to relieve that stressful feeling by seeking intimacy from his or her caregiver. For children this usually means physical closeness. Some children want to be held and cuddled during stressful times while others act out and may even push comfort away when it's offered.

When adults feel anxious they will generally try to get closer, either physically or emotionally, to their love partners. A healthy romantic relationship creates a base of security that strengthens the partners, making them more able to overcome obstacles in life, to grasp at opportunities, face challenges and explore new environments.

Leftovers

So, why do these leftover feelings and emotions from childhood affect you when you're about to add dating to your present lifestyle? More than likely most of us date to find a significant relationship. You wouldn't think about going out on a date without checking the mirror to see how you look, or brushing your teeth to make sure your breath is fresh. Isn't it just as important, or maybe more so, to make sure you are prepared emotionally? That you have examined behaviors (some that have been around since childhood) that may not have worked for you in the past? That you strive to keep a clear head so you can identify personality traits in others that don't function well with yours? There comes a time to evaluate our personal leftovers and decide whether they are useful or need to be tossed out. Either before you date or during the dating process is a good time to get proactive about making changes. Let's call it your first step. Who knows? Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll find a person who is doing the same thing.