Texting, When Does it Become Inpersonal?

I believe that texting serves as a way for shy men and/or women to communicate and express what they are truly feeling without feeling embarrassed in doing so.  People set up dates while texting, set up meetings while texting, and people break up by texting.  Break up? What? No this is not acceptable.  I find myself dealing with a lot of men that only text and have lost the concept of communicating using the rare form of dialing a telephone number in order to speak with one another.  Why has talking on the telephone become so obsolete in this day and age? 

The day where people have home phones has vanished, more and more people have cellular phones and have done away with a home telephone service.  Well with home telephone service you can’t text.  If we cant text then we don’t want a telephone.  God forbid. 

Though most couples probably wouldn't attempt to take their relationship to the next level via wireless communication, a growing number of Americans are flirting, setting up dates and even whispering (er, spelling out?) sweet nothings through the digital medium of short message service (SMS).

Sent between cellphones, Blackberries or other handheld devices, these mini-missives of 160 characters or less offer potential dates a fast, informal way to connect. But while text messages can be endearingly short and sweet, men and women often have polarized opinions about how they should be used in romantic situations.  In speaking with Stephanie, age 27 she states: "When someone asked me to dinner for the first time over text message, I found it more than a little insulting," "So I sent him a reply suggesting that he pick up the phone and ask me out properly. I never heard from him again."

Mixed signals

Though men primarily use messaging as a tool for managing their relationships, women often view text as another way to foster emotional interaction, according to UK research presented last July at the International Pragmatics Association conference. And though both sexes will revise plans, break dates or even end relationships over text, "men are a lot more likely to do so," says Simeon Yates of Sheffield Hallam University, the study's lead researcher. He says the text gets the point across "without a lengthy and uncomfortable explanation."

Fast, cheap and easy, text messaging is rapidly replacing some cell phone calls between romantic partners. Like a burger from a drive-thru window, text offers near-instant gratification. However, it isn't always satisfying — or healthy — in the long run.

"There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text," says Greg Behrendt, best-selling co-author of He's Just Not That Into You. "In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree." But some text "addicts" have turned the missives into the meat and potatoes of their social interaction. Some women say they have had entire relationships that started, flourished and finally extinguished via text (and its first cousin, the instant message). Others extol the virtues of a medium that allows them to break "the rules" they had learned to keep a potential mate interested.

"If you don't know someone that well — or if you don't want to make a move in a big way — a text message is a much easier and more innocent way to be flirtatious than a phone call," "A phone call implies a big gesture; a text message seems cute and effortless."

But it's men — the gender long accused of not communicating enough — who have developed the deepest respect for the power of text messaging. Sam Nashag, 31, a Marine stationed in San Diego who just left for Iraq, is a heavy texter who uses the messages to gauge whether potential dates are legitimately interested or just being polite. "With the threat of rejection being so high, you want to get a feel for the situation before asking for that first date," he says.

Nashag, who describes text as "the best invention since the ATM," says it allows him to avoid direct rejection, because the recipient can simply ignore his overtures. And on the flip side, he doesn't have to offer a reason when canceling plans, because there's no room for details. Text "gets you freed up in that moment and then you can push off dealing with an explanation."

Though Nashag's fellow Marine Derek Filipe, 26, balks at the idea of asking for a first date through text, he's not opposed to arranging the next get-together that way. "Only one of the women I've dated has ever called me and said that sending text messages really annoys her," he says. But rather than give up his preferred form of communication, "I just send her a text and wait for her to call me back."

Playing by the rules

Text has emerged as a way for some daters to do less, act as if they care less and, in doing so, gain the upper hand in a new relationship.

Because men and women use text strategically, "you shouldn't automatically assume someone is blowing you off if they're sending text messages," Behrendt says.  Etiquette expert Ceri Marsh, co-author of The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Decorum, has a less tolerant view of the text-as-courting ritual.

"It's a pretty bad sign if the person pursuing you can't be bothered to pick up the phone and ask you out," she says. "The person is showing you they're not really ready to get involved."

She agrees that text can be a good icebreaker and handy for relaying such things as a time change. But she says it should not be used for more emotional messages.

"Couples have arguments over text because of a simple misunderstanding in wording or tone. They'll say 'What exactly did you mean by that emoticon?' "

Clayton, the student whose boyfriend revealed he loved her via text, says they used to duke it out over text. The angry messages would "fly back and forth for hours" until she got frustrated and turned off her phone.

As with any new line of communication, the ground rules for text's uses are still being established by the first generation of users. But just because text messaging is a modern invention doesn't mean its users should do away with "old-fashioned" courtesy.  Technology may change, but thoughtfulness never goes out of style.