When Death Comes Between You: Dating a Widow

When you marry somebody, you dedicate a huge chunk of your life, a huge chuck of yourself, to that person. They mean more to you than just about any one else, and are often the center of your life. You see and love and talk to them every day. And when they die, the chasm they leave behind is so wide it seems impossible to fill.

If you've never had it happen, you can probably imagine how it might feel. In a word: hellish.

Which makes dating a widow or widower such a delicate undertaking. If you've met somebody who's had a spouse die, you'll want to tread carefully - there are dangerous bits of ground in this relationship that you don't even know exist...and you could step in them at any time. So even though dating a widow or widower is often 100% worth the effort, it's important to ask yourself a few important questions before you take the plunge.

Are They Ready?

This is something that only your new partner can answer. We all take our own time to heal - and some take longer than others. Even after you've mostly healed, it can be very hard to move on after losing somebody you loved. If you are this person's first relationship after the death of his or her spouse, you'll have to be particularly sensitive to his or her feelings. And you'll also have to be prepared for things not to work. Especially after a long-term marriage has ended in death, getting back into the dating world can be shaky and difficult - and it doesn't always work at first. Patience is key.

Will Issues Get in the Way?

When a relationship ends in divorce or separation, the dynamic changes. A person can heal, understand their mistakes, and move on stronger and wiser. But things don't happen the same way when a relationship ends due to the death of a spouse. Losing somebody to death instead of a mutually-agreed separation can leave a lot of issues un-dealt-with.

No relationship is perfect, and there are always lessons to be taken into a new relationship. However, when your partner's spouse has died, it can make talking out these sorts of issues an incredibly delicate process. It will be difficult for them to speak ill of the one they loved, and even more difficult for you - saying the wrong thing could put you in dangerous territory.

Can You Handle the Implications?

This is going to sound cold and selfish, but here it is: will you be able to handle the idea of always playing second fiddle to your partner's deceased spouse? Because in most cases, that's just what you should expect when you have a relationship with a widow or widower. It's practically impossible to compete with a memory, especially when that person's death has leant them a glow that makes their flaws difficult to remember. And if things work out with your new partner, you may have to play second fiddle for years and years to come.

But there are also some great things about being with a partner who feels this way. That a person can show such love and loyalty so long after a relationship proves them capable of an incredible depth of feeling. And definitely bodes well for their ability to love you, too. Keep in mind that, just because somebody you're with has loved deeply and still remembers the one they lost, it doesn't mean there's not room for you in their heart, too.