Playa De Las Americas on the South Coast of Tenerife

First, a word of warning! If you are seeking peace and quiet, Las Americas may not be your best bet for a vacation. It's the type of place where, by the time you get home again, you might need a holiday just to recover! The main tourist resort in the south of Tenerife is certifiably crazy, mad as a march hare and just waiting to pounce on the unwary tourist! Whatever you want (whether you're aware you want it or not!), Las Americas offers it all to you with a sunny smile and a glass of your favourite tipple!

Playa de Las Americas compares favourably and ranks on equal terms with many a European 'sun, sand and sea' destination. But thirty years ago it was quite a different story. There were only a few hotels scattered around a beach developed largely using sand imported from the Sahara. The lively Las Americas you see today was just a gleam in an investor's eye, while the satellite areas of San Eugenio, Fañabe and Torviscas, and latterly Costa Adeje, now bustling mini-resorts in their own right, were then merely barren expanses of volcanic desert. Present-day Las Americas boasts a myriad of hotels and apartment complexes, old and new, to suit all tastes and budgets. And still the planners plan and the builders build.

The location of Playa de Las Americas owes more than a little to its enviable climate. It is situated at the southern end of the west coast (or western end of the south coast if you like), where the climate is arguably the best on the whole island. And thanks to some skillful land development the area now offers some of the best beaches in Tenerife, all of which meet European Commission cleanliness standards. The waters off Las Americas' beaches are warm, generally calm and safe, with breakwaters constructed to ensure safety in all but the most adverse weather conditions which, thankfully, are rare (don't swim when there's a red flag on the beach).

Las Americas is a jungle of hotels and holiday facilities. As a strictly tourist town built up from nothing over the last thirty years or so, you will not find much Spanish/Canarian culture or history in Las Americas. Not that the town harbours any such allusions in the first place. It is a tourist haven pure and simple, with no pretensions to be anything else. It is geared to fun, fun, fun all the way. And what's wrong with that? Nothing, judging by the flood of holidaymakers arriving every day, all year round, many of whom return time after time.

"So what are all these tourist facilities then?" I hear you ask. Apart from the traditional sun, sand and sea which I have already mentioned, Las Americas has countless diversions for during the day, the evening and late at night. Surrounded, as we are, by the Atlantic ocean, water-based activities are not surprisingly high on the agenda. Las Americas is home to the world famous Octopus Water Park where you'll find amongst other things the notorious 'Kamikaze' water slide (I survived it!) and a recently-constructed dolphinarium. Would you like to wave at your friends while dangling from a parachute pulled by a speedboat? Don't worry - you're so high up that your mates can't see how scared you are! Or maybe you fancy yourself as a sun-bronzed 'surf dude', a fearless jetskier crashing across the ocean swell, an old 'sea-dog' landing the biggest shark since 'Jaws', or quite frankly, looking rather silly falling off an enormous floating banana. If you'd prefer to stay dry there are many other activities to tempt you, including crazy golf, tennis and 10-pin bowling, visiting the newborn baby monkeys in the nearby zoo or shooting crazed zombies in the head with a machine gun (my son's favourite arcade game - bless him!). There is now also a big balloon that takes you high up in the air and gives you an aerial view of, well, tons of things really.

Good news for the golfing enthusiast, there is a new golf course open between Playa de Las Americas and neighbouring Los Cristianos. Not only does the 18-hole, par 62 course known as "Golf Las Americas" improve the appearance of the area - it's turning the rather unattractive wasteland between the two towns into an oasis of green - but the developers and local tourism council also hope that this new facility will bring more 'quality tourists' to the area (that'll be the ones with loads of dosh then!). The development also includes plush hotel and apartment complexes which are currently under construction and will bring thousands of new beds for visitors to the area.

Another part of Las Americas which is particularly worth a visit is Puerto Colon, or Columbus' Port. As Las Americas has never had a functional port (the town was built on a previously barren and unoccupied stretch of land), the boating marina at Puerto Colon is a modern, purpose-built harbour. Nestling among Las Americas' many fine beaches, the marina is an attractive place where you can browse around the shops, then have a meal or drink while enjoying the view over the adjoining beach or over the yachts moored in the marina itself. It is also the town's main focus for boat/yacht excursions and fishing trips.

Remember also that Tenerife is a small island so the attractions in other towns are not that far away. You will easily find numerous and varied excursions to join, or if you wish you can rent a car if you want to 'do-it-yourself'. On the subject of cars, Las Americas' road system is nothing if not chaotic, so if you are driving here be careful to check the road signs and observe stop signs and traffic priorities, which are not always what you might expect. And if you are a pedestrian - get the hell out of the way! Seriously though, you must be very careful as cars often travel faster than the speed limit and generally don't stop at 'zebra crossings'. Parking can also be a nightmare in certain areas. Please, please don't let the above deter you from coming here even in the slightest: we feel that as a tourist-guide-type-of-thing, we must draw your attention to the finer points of road etiquette here, and such things always sound a lot worse when you read them than when you actually get here and see for yourself! Unless you get hit by a bus of course.

When you've had enough fun on or in the water, climb back onto dry land for a hearty meal or quench your thirst in one the numerous bars that line the streets. Many bars offer traditional 'pub games' such as pool and darts, while others may show current feature films, re-runs of old comedy favourites, or live sport on satellite TV during the day. In the restaurants you'll find quality food at attractive prices, ranging from the staple diet of many British holiday makers - the 'Traditional English Breakfast' (served morning, noon or night if you want!) - to an array of first class international cuisine: Spanish, Canarian, Indian, Italian, Chinese, Mexican, French, Swiss, Lebanese, Thai - you'll honestly be spoilt for choice.

So night falls, you've shaken the sand out of your underwear and you're ready for a night on the town. What to do? There is no shortage of pubs and bars catering to all tastes and ages. Some are family oriented, others are not really suitable for the kids. Some, notably Spanish and German, cater mainly to their fellow countrymen but most, it seems, are geared to the British (or at least to the English-speaking) holidaymaker. Lots of bars offer a nightly cabaret in one form or another, to entertain you while you relax. You can see anyone from Elvis Presley to Elton John (no, not the real ones!), watch a drag act or laugh (hopefully) along to a comedian. There are also a couple of good venues to see a live rock band. Many family bars will have a compere to keep the atmosphere relaxed and convivial, while the bars where the 'young, free and single' head to may have a DJ spinning records, cracking jokes, swearing profusely and generally keep the party ticking over until it's time to stagger outside, trying to remember the name of your hotel. Or at least what country you are in.

Las Americas benefits from very liberal regulations regarding opening hours - basically: open when you like, shut when you like! Hence many bars will be open until 3a.m. And even that's not necessarily the end of the night if you're young, fearless and in 'party mode'. Night is when the central seafront areas known as 'Veronicas' and 'The Patch' come to life. The Patch is a smallish area densely packed with bars and restaurants. It is usually heaving with youngsters coming and going into the early hours of the morning. A five minute walk down the road is the alcohol-fuelled, sometimes surreal (ask my mate Rob, but that's another story!), nocturnal world of Veronicas. Here is where you will find countless bars, burger joints, discos that stay open until six in the morning playing the latest dance hits. And occasionally some real music! You'll be accosted every five paces by a PR trying to drag you into this place or that place, or by someone trying to sell you some bargain or other. Certainly not a family atmosphere, but very very popular with the younger crowd.

There are also shows you can go to in the area, usually bookable in advance and at some you will get a full meal included in the entry price. Shows such as the medieval night (knights, jousting, sword-fighting etc), the Spanish ballet and flamenco extravaganzas, a classy soul and Motown night with excellent American singers, are just some of the attractions available. If your cash is burning a hole in your pocket there are two casinos where you can have a flutter. There are also 'adult shows' where you can ... er, this is a family website so use your imagination!