Divorce Isn’t Child’s Play

The children are given only a fleeting thought initially, during the onset of the divorce process. When troublesome questions like child custody and settlements crop up, children frequently end being used as a bargaining tool.

In the romance of honeymoon, the couple are in a heady rush of emotions. Planned or unplanned childbirth follows. The first child is a special one and the apple of the parent’s eye. No amount of sleeplessness or constant parenting is considered tiring. The next childbirth simply rubs off the novelty. Until the child is capable of taking care of its bodily needs, on its own, the parents are forced into babysitting. Beyond a point (which is soon enough), a professional baby sitter is engaged to take over the chore. There is a limit even to the so-called inexhaustible fountain of care, showered by parents, on the little one.

The same blasé way of dealing with each other is applied by parents in the context of the child. They simply forget the time, when they were children. The parents think that it is sufficient to keep the child well-fed, clothed and to fulfil all its materialistic wants. The rest is the responsibility of the baby-sitter or pre-school / school. The child requires the constant presence as well as the attention of the parents. There has to be an emotional bond between the child and the parent, for the child to express its needs. Thus, prior to divorce, during it and after the divorce, parents must exercise extreme and conscious care, to emotionally bond with their child / children.

If the marriage has been witnessed as a sour one or as a marriage punctuated by violence and mutual denigration, children tend to withdraw into their own make-believe worlds where their ideal parents exist. There is a mental conflict between what they have been told and what they are witnessing in reality. The parents who were viewed as one single composite entity radiating goodness, offer little emotional shelter or attention during the divorce. Divorce is a time when the child develops an intense feeling of abandonment by one parent or both. The safety net of the nuclear family dissolves into a dreaded void. In its wake are left individuals, bereft of ties, because the parents also change their behaviour patterns to adjust to the new changed equation.

Post-divorce, the sense of abandonment and the inconsistency of human relationships will continue to haunt the child. When the most basic of human society’s relationships i.e. marriage, dissolves into nothing before their very own eyes, children can lose their self-esteem and refuse to accommodate meaningful relationships with anyone. It also impacts their future growth and their outlook on society. So, it is of immense importance that parents recognise the importance of the chain of continuity in their relationship between themselves, to avoid creating disturbed individuals out of their progeny.

Parents should continue providing their children, the channel of a dependable relationship as if nothing has changed between them and the children, even after divorce. Keep up the routines (most of it, if not all of it). Spend time with the children, spare no effort and money on them. Be normal in your communication and behaviour (extra nice behaviour is recommended). Decrease conflict and increase contact.

The parents should not desert their parental roles. You are still a role model. Morphing from a responsible father to a reckless playboy is too much of a change for any child to handle. The parent only demeans himself or herself in the eyes of their child. Before the divorce, there was a deep feeling that since the child belonged to them, they were responsible for its proper mental growth. The dos and don’ts were instinctively enforced because the child was theirs. Don’t change this feeling, after divorce. Take an active interest in the child’s upbringing because nothing has changed between the parent and child. You cannot change the fact that you are still its biological parent!

Children need to be reassured that the divorce was a positive change, for the good of their parents and that their relationship with both parents continues undisturbed. Do not force children to take sides by saying something negative about your divorced spouse or by constantly blaming the other. Reinforce and defend the positive sides of your ex-spouse’s character and behaviour. Brush away the negativity. Share the task of raising the children, into normal citizens, who blend with society.

Divorce may be your meat, but don’t let it poison your children.