Infidelity and the Damage it Does to a Marriage

Infidelity by a spouse is a traumatic and devastating experience. Not only does it affect the person concerned but changes the marriage forever. Some marriages survive the indiscretion while others break right after.

Whatever the final outcome of infidelity, it does bring immense pain, hurt and a host of other negative emotions into play. It is a complete breach of trust and a blow to the love and commitment in a marriage. Infidelity causes great emotional turmoil for the cheated as well as for the cheater.

Infidelity can be of two types: emotional infidelity and physical infidelity. Men seem to react more strongly to physical infidelity while women object more to emotional infidelity. It is often the combination of both which sounds the death knell for the marriage.

It is very common for both the spouses to experience depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and a profound sense of loss soon after the discovery of the affair. The reactions of the betrayed spouse are akin to post-traumatic symptoms of the victims of a tragedy. There is a loss of innocence, shattered dreams and expectations, a psychological hyper arousal, accompanied by flash backs and intrusive images. There is immense anger and a feeling of revenge towards the cheating spouse.

The cheating partner meanwhile, may fear punishment, grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair, feel guilty and be extremely apprehensive about the reaction of the spouse and the future of their marriage. They undergo feelings of shame and a loss of self worth and self esteem. Thus infidelity is devastating families across the country as this cycle of self-blame, betrayal and anger can be difficult to break.

The marriage is never the same again. The change can both be positive and negative. Many marriages are unable to survive an affair but many emerge stronger and better than earlier. There are numerous cases to be seen where spouses have not only managed to put infidelity behind them but have worked at having a more fulfilling relationship. It serves as a wake up call to whatever has been wrong within the relationship and an opportunity to set them right.

Seek Professional Help: There is no doubt that the infidelity of a spouse is difficult to accept but it is not impossible. It is a slow process but with patience and commitment one can gradually rebuild the trust and rediscover the love that was missing the first time around. All it needs is a determination to stay together. The first step is to seek professional help in accomplishing the goal. Find a therapist both of you like to guide you through the process.

Commit to a Solution: The adulterer should admit to having an affair and make a promise to end it and severe any sort of contact with the lover. Heshe should constantly reassure the partner that heshe has moved on and is committed to the marriage. This helps increase the trust in the relationship. Also, do let your partner know where you are and avoid any long periods of unaccounted-for time.

Check Your Anger: All that the victim has undergone fills himher with extreme anger towards the spouse. It is important for the victim to vent the anger but in a controlled, limited way. While there may be sufficient remorse felt by the cheating spouse, it is difficult for himher to reinvest in a marriage if there is constant badgering about their past behaviour. The victim should be allowed to ask questions and the guilty partner should answer them.

Determine and Address the Reasons for Infidelity: Many experts believe that infidelity in itself is not a problem but the sign of an underlying problem within the marriage. Without placing the blame, discuss the possible reasons for the problem that contributed to the crisis. Explain your individual needs and state what do you want from your partner and how. Empathising with each other’s emotions will make you feel connected.

Begin to Reconnect: Find concrete ways to show your love and faith for each other. Show the faithful partner how much you respect and value their commitment. Do not restrict yourself to words but do things which emphasise your feelings. Infuse love and romance in your marriage; find time to do things together. Share your hopes and dreams about your future together.

It is not easy to put the past behind and move on like nothing happened. Infidelity is a life changing event but you can do things to make sure that it is a positive change and that your marriage comes out stronger and better from it.