My Husband Told Me That He Wants To Divorce Me. What Can (Or Should) I Do To Change His Mind?
I receive a lot of emails from wives who want advice on how to save their marriages and prevent divorce. One of the more common requests is something like "Help! My husband wants to divorce me, but I don't want to end the marriage. What can I do to change his mind?" Sometimes, the women who contact me just suspect that their husband wants out because he has been distant, acts like or says he doesn't love them anymore, or the two have been fighting with more frequency.
Sometimes, the husband has actually said (sometimes repeatedly) that he flat out wants a divorce and is going to get one. Mainly, these wives are either looking for ways to buy some time before the husband actually files the paper work and / or they want to bring back the warmth, intimacy, and feelings of closeness that the marriage is missing. This article will discuss some things that you should (and should not) do if you are trying to stop your husband from divorcing you or want to bring back the love and closeness in your marriage.
Don't Do Things That Will Drive Him Further Away: It's very important that you don't let your worry and panic drive you to do things that would make the divorce more likely. Many wives will try to "make" or "get" their husbands to change his mind. They do this by nagging, or trying to make their husbands feel guilty, or by arguing and debating.
Sometimes, they will take the opposite strategy and try to "nice" their husbands to death. They become what I like to call a "yes honey" wife. Anything he wants has to be A – OK with you – because the power of the relationship has shifted. Since he wants the divorce, he's the one who's calling all the shots and you're just the one who's going along for the ride. But, how much is he really going to respect you if you act this way? You can't have a truly solid and reciprocal marriage if you're not both on equal footing.
In short, neither of these tactics are successful for the long term health of your marriage. They will only make your husband feel more distant from you, really. Just for a second, think honestly about how these things or tactics are really going to turn out. Do you really think that, after you've been communicating to your husband why he is wrong, selfish, or mistaken, that he's going to turn to you and say "You know what? You're right. I've just changed my mind." Of course he's not. Instead, he's going to tune you out and carry on just to prove you wrong. So, what should you do instead?
Tell Him He's Right (Before You Think This Is Crazy Advice, Read On): When I say that you should agree with your husband or tell him that he's right, I don't mean that you should agree to a divorce. I would never advice you to do that. Always be clear that you love your husband very much and value your marriage above everything else. But, your main goal in the beginning of this process should be to validate your husband's feelings. As your husband's wife, doesn't his happiness matter greatly to you? Of course it does. You need to communicate this to your husband. You should look him right in the eye (and hold his hand if he will let you) and agree that you too have felt a troubling distance in the marriage and you agree that things are not as good as they should be between you. Tell your husband that his happiness and the relationship between you is very important and that, no matter what, you want to preserve the good feelings between you and will be working on this from this moment forward.
If you play your cards right here, this conversation should help to ease some of the tension. Your husband may not believe you at first but he will probably be very relieved that you're going to tone down the debate, disagreements, mind changing tactics or fighting. Hopefully, he will realize that he no longer has to avoid you or block you out.
Always Be Mindful Of The Woman And Wife You Are Presenting To Your Husband: One exercise that I find really helpful in encouraging your husband to change his mind about a divorce is that you actually step into your husband's mind and line of sight. What I mean by this is that you look at yourself through his eyes. Now, I know you may be thinking this is silly and pointless, but please bear with me.
For one full day, I'd like you to see your actions, appearance, and attitude through your husband's eyes. And, don't change how you act to skew the results. Act how you typically would on any regular day. When I did this exercise, I was shocked at what I saw. I saw a tired, preoccupied woman who rolled her eyes and never touched her husband in an affectionate way FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY. Rarely was there a smile on my face. Never did I ask my husband about his day, his feelings, or his experiences. Not once did I go out of my way to make things better for him, lighten his load, or even give him the encouraging smile, nod or sympathetic glance which I regularly offer to complete strangers. This was my husband here and I was treating him worse than strangers on a bus.
Yes, at this time there was a strain in my marriage and there were times when he wasn't acting very kindly to me either, but if the truth is known, my marriage had been suffering neglect for a long time and the signs were there. I was ignoring them and was responding with becoming a woman who I wouldn't want to be married to either.
Two wrongs do not make a right. Take the high ground and act like the kind, open hearted, loving women you know yourself to be - deep down – before this marriage disappointed you, before the distance happened, before any of this divorce business came to light.
Because, once upon a time, your husband loved you so much that he married you. The woman he fell in love with is still there. Look in the mirror and you'll see her staring back at you. Has the light and excitement in her eyes dulled or faded? If so, getting her back is really up to you. Open your heart, clear your mind, and get moving!
When I was trying to change my own husband's mind about divorcing me, I made a lot of the same mistakes I dicussed here. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to restore my husband's love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
Questions and Answers
Article Tags:
husband wants to divorce me
,husband wanting to divorce me
,i think that my husband wants to divorce me
,i know that my husband wants to divorce me
,what to do when my husband wants to divorce me
,husband said he wants to divorce me
,husband divorce me
"INDIAN DIVORCE LAW IS INADEQUATE"- LAW COMMISSION OF INDIA
I recently heard from a wife on my save my marriage blog who said, in part: "last month, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He said that after the kids got out of school for the summer, he was going to break the news to them and proceed to file. However, since that time, we've been getting a long better lately and he hasn't said anything since then. Does this mean I'm in the clear? Does this mean he's changed his mind about the divorce?"
She said, in part: "is there any way for me to tell if my husband is going to change his mind about the divorce without directly asking him? Are there any signs to look for? Is there a certain way that he will act if he's wavering on the divorce? How can I tell if his mind is changing? Should I just ask him?"
Of all the emails that I get, the ones where the husband has actually finally asked for the divorce are usually the most emotional. Typically, the wife has known that things aren't going well and that one or both people are unhappy. But, actually hearing your husband say the words "I want a divorce," are like a punch in the gut, whether you were expecting them or not.
Divorce and separation rate increases all over the world. Most divorces are seen in industrial developed countries and could be linked to the living standard rising and change in social roles of men and women during the transition of society. Humans struggle to be monogamous, and the serial monogamist describe some humans in this battle.
When the breakdown of marriage becomes really apparent, couples may turn to the idea of divorce and there will not be much of a problem when going through the process especially when important facts are established.
Divorce lawyer New York is the concerned legal authority, who is taken as the sole expert in dealing with the involved complexities in a particular separation case.
Going through a divorce is a very bad experience. Understanding the legalities involved in divorce will help you make your way out of it.
When you've got irreconcilable differences, there sometimes is no better option than to get into divorce. You could think a long court case is the one thing you have to go through. As any Boca Raton divorce lawyer is aware of, though, you might have other available choices in how to work out your split-up with the spouse.
For anyone who has ever been through the pain of a divorce (or for you free-thinkers - a breakup with a life partner), nobody has to tell you how wrenching of an experience that can be! Increasingly, though, many people are unwittingly compounding and adding to their troubles and heartache by what information they choose to load into their phones, how they choose to store it, and how easily anyone can access this highly sensitive information.
I heard from a wife who said: "my husband told me a few weeks ago that he intends to move out. We have not been getting along with one another for months. We have actually tried different things in an attempt to improve our marriage but, in the end, we just end up fighting or feeling frustrated. It just seems as if things deteriorate more. So now his theory is that if he moves us and gives us both some time to cool off that this is going to help us and our marriage."
I heard from a wife who said, "my husband has obviously been a little unhappy with our marriage for a while. He would always make sarcastic comments about not getting enough of my attention and not having enough "alone" time together. Well, last week he left me. He left a note saying that he doesn't know what he has to go to get my attention and to make me realize that he has needs too. I am so annoyed at this. I don't know how to respond. I don't want to reward him for his immaturity."
I heard from a wife who expressed it this way. "My husband initiated a separation. I fought him every step of the way, but he insisted and didn't give me much of a choice. He said that he needed time to think and to evaluate what he wanted out of his life. Well, now he's taking all this selfish time to find himself while I am having to handle all of the household chores and raising the children myself. I want him to regret being so selfish and just leaving us for his own self centered reasons."
I sometimes hear from wives who tell me that their husband is giving them some vague excuse for why he wants to separate. Sometimes, he will tell you that he doesn't like the man who he has become while being married or that he feels that marriage hasn't been good for him. He will sometimes allude to the fact that he feels that being married has held him back in some way.
I heard from a wife who said: "the other day, my husband said that he needed to be honest with me about something very important. I thought he was going to tell me that he lost his job or that we were struggling financially. But I was completely wrong. And I was completely blindsided when he said that although he still loves me, he is not happy being married to me."
Discuss this Article
