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Creative History

By James F. Cotter

 

In an interview with the Columbus Dispatch, Rep. Steve Austria (R-OH) said, in opposition to the economic stimulus, "When Roosevelt did this (tried to stimulate the economy), he put our country into a Great Depression.  He tried to borrow and spend, he tried to use the Keynesian approach, and our country ended up in a Great Depression.  That's just history." 

Our first thought was that Austria was contending, in a crowded field of Republicans,  for the title of Public Idiot Number One.   Other contenders include Rep. Jason Chaffetz of Utah; Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina;  Rep. Pete Sessions of Texas;  Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican National Committee, and Sen. John McCain of Arizona.

Our roving reporter, Scribbles Melooney,  who is always roving about for no apparent reason, was refused an interview with Austria, but through a simple process of stalking, managed to track the congressman to Smiley's Tavern.  The interview turned into quite a fantasy. 

Q.  Good afternoon, Congressman.  May I ask you a few questions?

A.  Are you a constituent?

Q.  You might say that.  Of course, you might say anything.

A.  Oh god, the g------ liberal news media.  There's no escape from you people.

Q.  You raised quite a stir when you accused Franklin Roosevelt of starting the Great Depression.  Were you stoned at the time?   

A.  Of course not.  I was trying to be informative.

Q.   The Great Depression started in 1929.  FDR did not become president until March of 1933.  How did he cause the Depression?

A.  Well, the Democrats took control of Congress at the same time, and they gave him anything he wanted.  That's just history. 

Q.  That doesn't make sense.  The Depression had been going on for over three years by then. 

A.  Roosevelt was one of those hoity-toity northeastern liberals.  He thought he was sooooooo smart. 

Q.  That doesn't answer the question.

A.  Soft on defense, ivory tower, tax-and-spend, socialist--he wasn't even born in the United States, did you know that?

Q.  That's news to me.

A.  He was born in Haiti, and he was a Muslim. That's just history.

Q.  An Episcopalian Muslim.

A.  The worst kind.

Q.  Congressman, FDR's stimulus spending did put a lot of people back to work, and it helped the country begin to pull out of the Depression. 

A.  Huh!  Where did you go to school? 

Q.  Oxford.

A.  Oxnard, that figures.

Q.  No, Oxford.

A.  Oxford.  I never heard of it.  You just made that up, didn't you?

Q.  Hell, I knew I couldn't fool you.  But the fact is that the economy started to turn around in 1933, the year FDR took office.

A.  That's false!  Ronald Reagan saved this economy, and everybody knows it.  That's just history.

Q.  That's just baloney.  Under Reagan we had recession, rising unemployment, record  deficits, banks and small businesses failing--sound familiar? 

A.  Where do you get that stuff?

Q.   That's just history.

A.   History books are written by Democrats.  So your facts are all wrong. 

Q.   In that case, you win every argument. 

A.   Neat, huh?

Q.   In FDR's defense, he may have caused the Depression, but he did bring the Civil War to a successful conclusion, eradicated  cancer, repelled the Swiss invasion, and solved the Cuban Missile Crisis.

A.  Yeah, but anybody could've done that.

Q.  Anybody?

A.  My six year old niece could've done that.

 Scribbles pledges more reports in the coming days:   "I'll  be stalking more of these idiots soon.  It gets me out of the house."

 

REFERENCE

http://www.dispatchpolitics.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2009/02/10/copy/caproos.html?adsec=politics&sid=101

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