I'm Conflicted About How To Handle Conflict

A new job! New challenges! New situations! All wrapped up with new conflicts!

Two months ago, I lost my job at a small accounting firm here in Milwaukee. I polished up my resume and reviewed the questions I might face in an interview. I was finally offered a position at a local bank. Little did I know that within my first few weeks there, I would be faced with some of the toughest conflict situations of my working career.

I had been coming home for several days now in frustration over the conflicts erupting at my new place of work and decided it was time to do some research into my options for handling it. I worked with a very small group in my previous job and found being the "new kid on the block", a 45 year old supervisor with 16 twenty-something employees reporting to me, a new experience. Coming in, I was proud of the wisdom and knowledge I brought to this new environment, but my employees, not so much.

I found out quickly that everyone has a different style for working through conflict. In the '70s two men by the name of Thomas (Kenneth) and Kilmann (Ralph) identified the five key styles for conflict resolution. None of these five are better or worse than the others. The truth is, all five styles can be used effectively in different situations. Here are the five:

1) Competitive

2) Collaborative

3) Compromising

4) Accommodating

5) Avoiding

If you're interested in knowing what your preferred style is, you can work through the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI). It's easily found online and available for you to purchase.

For right now, I simply wanted to better understand how people work through conflict and if there were some tried and true methods for bringing conflict to some positive resolution.

Again, here is a better look at the five styles that can be used and then a look at some easy steps to follow, to set you up for success in conflict situations.

1) Competitive: This style is usually used if you are in a position of power. This doesn't always have to mean you're the boss. Maybe you have the highest degree of expertise in a certain area or are known for your powers of persuasion. Best used when a decision has to be made fast. The person making the decision has to take a firm stand and know what they want. Unfortunately this can leave people feeling a little resentful if used in less urgent situations.

2) Collaborative: This style tries to meet the needs of ALL the people involved. You can be assertive but, unlike the competitor, you cooperate and acknowledge everyone's views are important. Best used when you need to draw out a variety of viewpoints for the best solution or when there have been conflicts in the group before.

3) Compromising: This style attempts to find a solution that will partially satisfy everyone. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, has to give up something. Best used when you're up against a deadline or when a conflict will cost you more than if you personally have to lose a little ground.

4) Accommodating: This style meets the needs of others at the cost of you meeting your own needs. The person with this style will more than likely know when it is time to give in to others but unfortunately does so even when the situation doesn't warrant it. This person is very cooperative, but not assertive. Best used when the outcome matters more to the other person or when having peace is more important than you "winning".

5) Avoiding: This style always leans toward dodging the conflict all together. Their mantra is, "don't hurt anyone's feelings". The person with this style may end up delegating controversial decisions. Best used if you are in a no win situation, if the conflict is not worth your time and energy, or if in fact, someone else is in a better position to settle the conflict.

Just a few more things:

1) Always remain calm, positive, and courteous; remember mutual respect gets you further in resolving the conflict.

2) Always separate the person from the problem. It's okay to debate real tough issues important to everyone, but you don't have to damage working relationships.

3) Listen, listen, and did I mention you should listen before talking and defending your own position. If you are not sure you understand what the other person is trying to say then restate, paraphrase, or summarize what you feel you heard.

4) Be open-minded. Maybe a third position (or a fourth or fifth) exists that none of you have thought of, yet. If you're not getting everyone's opinion, ask for it.

5) Don't forget about brainstorming for solutions. The more ideas for resolution you have on the table (even some pretty crazy or farfetched ones) the more likely you are to create a win/win situation for everyone.

So, I have my work cut out for me tomorrow! I am up for the challenge, as I know my team is.