Ways to protect an aging parent without making them feel less independent

Our parents have brought us up with love and respect. They were the ones to rely upon in our best and worst days; the ones to share our anxieties and happy moments; the ones to guide us with wisdom and patience and provide us with the skills to become happy and fulfilled achievers. Yet, things have changed so much in just a very short time. As they have grown older, our parents need us to take care of them. We are responsible for their protection and guidance, but we need to find ways to support and protect their wisdom as well. We need to show them, not only that we respect everything they did for us, but most importantly, their pride.

The loss of autonomy or independence is older people’s greatest fear. However, if they need someone close, we, as respectful children, should be there for them. When it comes to our aging parents there is only one thing to keep in mind: care-giving. Seeing ourselves as caregivers enables us to immediately realize that our parents need us. But the trick is to be able to offer our concern and care without making them feel that we invade their territory.

It’s not only a question of our aging parents getting more fragile and less fit. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they have lost all their faculties and they need to be treated as children. But, we have to let them understand that we are there for them, ready to get the family back together. Even if we have moved away from them, we can be there for them in their greatest need, but without controlling them.

For example, if you are scared that your elderly mother, who has a heart problem, cannot go out to do her daily errands, it makes sense to sit down with her and explain your concerns. Instead of telling her not to go out, you may explain to her that she shouldn’t go out as often as she used to. Suggest to her to test herself. One day she may go out for fifteen minutes. If she doesn’t have arrhythmia and she feels like going for half an hour the next day, that’s fine. Let her do it! Do not tell her that she cannot go because chances are she will, no matter what you say. When it comes to pride, elderly people behave as children, and sometimes even worse than them!

Seeing ourselves as caregivers is also a question of realizing that our parents have become more impatient and less trustful. And therefore, they need us to take some crucial decisions for them. But we need to treat them with honesty.

For example, if you worry about your dad’s deteriorated eyesight and his persistence to keep on driving, sit down with him and explain your concerns. Think about practical examples to make him see that if he has a car accident he will suffer. Just do not treat him like a child. Don’t forget that this man is double your age, has brought you up and is probably cleverer than you only because he has the wisdom of age. So, don’t try to give him childish examples about why he shouldn’t drive. Just look at him to the eyes and tell him: “Dad, if you have a car accident, you gonna die. Do you really want this?”

We should encourage our parents. We should not treat them as handicapped. If they cannot drive to the super market, we can drive them, we can go with them, have fun at the super market with them, making it look like a game. We need to remember all the games they did for us when we were kids. Now, we need to do the same for them! It’s so easy.

Older people like to socialize, particularly if they are widowed. We should direct our parents towards community centers for elderly people and community senior clubs. There, our parents will interact with other seniors, will find common interests, will probably develop new skills and they will spend some quality time among their peers instead of staying at home, alone, waiting for us to visit them at 10pm after an exhausting day at work.

Our aging parents are not useless. They still serve a useful purpose in society with their advice and wisdom. Their kindness is one of a kind and the least we can do for them is putting a huge smile on their faces by giving them a call, paying them a visit, but most importantly, by letting them feel they still exist, they are still valuable to us and to society. This may seem like an insignificant act, but to an older person it may be the world, a great act of kindness.