Caring for someone with an eating disorder: A guide for family, partners and loved ones

Is there something wrong with your loved one?

There is no such thing as a broken person, just people with different strategies. Your loved one is doing the best she/he can, even if it does not seem like it.

When you can separate the person (your loved one) from their behaviour (the eating disorder), you put yourself in the empowered position of being able to support them, and help them meet their needs.

Your loved one is still the wonderful person that you’ve known. S/he has chosen an unhealthy strategy around food because it meets her/his emotional needs on a deeper level.

All of us do what we do because it meets our needs on a deeper, emotional level. Your loved one has not yet connected with a different, healthier way to meet that need. And there is always another way.

When you judge a person, you lose your ability to understand them and influence them. Even supposing you are “right” in your judgement, is that what you want? To lose your ability to understand and influence your loved one?

"If I don’t do or say anything, s/he will be alright."

If you knew what to do or say, would you? Yes?

Eating disorders can have irreversible and life-threatening effects.

To find out what to do or say, and how, you can explore the excellent resources on the Eating Disorders Victoria website. They also have a very useful helpline, online carers forum and workshops for carers.

"My loved one has to acknowledge that s/he has a problem before they can see someone for help."

Please let me share something with you. I worked for many years in relationship violence and assisted thousands of women. When I spoke to a woman for the first time, I did not name her experience as “relationship violence,” or her relationship as an “abusive” one. I knew from experience that such labelling would often alienate women.

I simply connected with her, encouraging her to connect with her own experience, concerns and feelings. From there, she was in a better position to identify healthier strategies for herself.

When I work with a person who might attract the label of “eating disorder,” I do the same. The label “eating disorder” might come up at some point if it’s therapeutic, but it doesn’t have to at first.

How to get your loved one to seek professional help if s/he has not yet acknowledged their unhealthy behaviour?

The very wise Helen Frank from Eating Disorders Victoria has this tip: “You can say: ‘let’s go to the GP for a checkup. Everyone needs a checkup from time to time’” It’s a good idea for anyone who seems healthy and normal to have a medical checkup.

In my practice, I work holistically with clients on all levels. Clients come in for a comprehensive care plan that includes relationships, study/career, family dynamics, food, health gain and joy.  In addition to a medical checkup, you could encourage your loved one to visit me for a holistic care plan – one that addresses all important areas of their life.

Working with the underlying cause of a behaviour like anorexia or bulimia will often have ripple effects on your loved one’s general wellbeing, and their relationship with them self. This brings benefits to other areas of their life.

The Eating Disorders Helpline can give you a referral for a GP who works with eating disorders, or for any other private health professional. You can also contact me here for more information.