Sweetest Day Gift Ideas

Sweetest Day Gifts for Women:

If watching countless episodes of Cops has taught me anything, it's that women like being abused by a drunk guy in a wife beater. If your girlfriend is the type of girl that is expecting you to buy her stuff, bring her a big package with a red bow on it. Instead of filling it with chocolate, shoes, or some sort of chocolate-shoe robot hybrid, fill it with something that will kick her ass. On second thought, I guess you could put a shoe in her gift. Just make sure it kicks her in the ass.

If you don't feel like creating a robotic shoe that gives a whuppin' to any woman demanding a gift, you can always give her something that explodes. No, not flowers that shoot cute little fireworks while repeating, "I love you." I mean actual explosives. I first learned about this when I heard about that romantic Ted Kaczynski sending love letters to all of his girlfriends. What a sweetie!

I figure the best way to surprise a girl with a gift of death would be to fill it with puppies and dynamite. But not ordinary puppies. Nazi puppies. Well, they can't actually do nazi stuff, like kill other puppies for no reason. Just draw a swastika on their leg or something so they look evil. That way the heartbreaking woman can open her present and say "Oh look, a pup-" KABOOM! There goes fascist puppy all over the walls.

It should be noted that not all women deserve an exploded Hitler-y dog in their house. Only women who expect something from their boyfriends on this most retarded of holidays should receive a gift that dangerous and exciting. If you want to do something thoughtful for your girlfriend, do something completely creative. Tell her you love her. Don't write it on the ass of some oversized plush unicorn. Use your mouth. Because hell, love is free if you've got somebody in your life. If you don't, love is only 100 bucks an hour at your local escort service. 90 bucks an hour if you don't smell like rotten onions. So if you've got a woman, utter those three words all girls long to hear. If you don't, use the other three. Point at the call girl you want and say "Yeah, that one."

Sweetest Day Gifts for Men:

Ladies, from what I heard this year, you had no idea what to buy your boyfriend. Most if you communist prostitutes openly decided not to get your love puppet anything. Not a damn thing. You suck. Because you all seemed so greatly in need of guidance, I've taken the liberty of providing you with a list. Be sure to write this down so your boyfriend doesn't dump you and date that Austrian model he's been eyeing all because you got him a T-shirt that says "I luv my gurlfriend" on it. So here's your list. Love it and learn it or become single and find a whore like every other lonely bastard named Henry who runs a website and hates himself.

* Kissing

* Sex

* Kissing while having sex

* More sex

* Kissing that can be easily replaced with some sex

* A girlfriend with a smaller ass

* Intercourse

* That thing that they do late at night on Showtime

* A strip tease to the theme of Leave it to Beaver

* Not cheating on me with that college guy I know you're seeing

* Remembering my name once

* Something similar to sex

* Chocolates

* A pony

And that concludes my list that every woman needs to tattoo on an obscure location on her body. That way, they won't forget what will make their boyfriend happy. I hope you all learned something from this. First of all, I'd like to remind you that this pile of crap holiday known as Sweetest Day was created by a transexual being bludgeoned in the head by a Wal-Mart security guard. Don't celebrate it. Next I'd like to remind all men to get their women something worthwhile, whether it's a sincere "I love you" or a time bomb. Lastly, Women need to put out. And that's probably the most important point of all.