The Fourth of July - The Manliest Of The Holidays

The Fourth of July is upon us, and while we Ungirdled women love to celebrate it, the truth is, the Fourth is a man’s holiday. It features four things men love:  beer, meat, fire, and pyrotechnics.  

The USA is a ballsy nation, with ballsy beginnings. We fought hard for our independence and we continue to fight hard to protect it.  What better way to celebrate than to take the two biggest farm animals we can think of – a pig and a cow – cook ‘em up in the form of hamburgers and hot dogs over an open flame while downing ale – the nectar of our forefathers - and then igniting some small explosives in our backyards.  This is the American way, or actually, the male way to celebrate a holiday.

What a woman sees as necessary for a holiday is very different from what a man regards as a must.  Think about it.  If it weren’t for women, all holidays would pretty much look like the Fourth of July, if there were any other holidays at all. 

How many straight men do you know would voluntarily make Halloween costumes, shop for and gaily wrap dozens of Christmas gifts or dye dozens of Easter eggs?  How many whip up pumpkin pies, shop for and coordinate Easter outfits, address and mail Christmas cards?  If men were in charge of holidays, you could completely forget Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, anniversaries and your birthday.  Thanksgiving they’d keep because of football and the potential for big explosions when using turkey fryers.  Halloween would probably stay because so many un-Ungirdled girls dress in really skanky "costumes."  Christmas is associated with chopping down big trees, so that would probably save it.  New Year's is about drinking, so it might stay.  Easter?  That’s pretty iffy.  The fact that you usually eat lamb or ham might save it. 

Give a man a hunk of meat, a fire, cold brewskies, put the game on, and you’ve got everything you need for a celebration.  On the Fourth of July, the backyard fireworks show usually doubles as entertainment and sport (not to mention continued employment for area firefighters and emergency room personnel.)  Do not make the mistake I made and NOT get a meat that did not formerly wear hooves for the Fourth of July celebration.  Thinking of my guests’ health, I once purchased turkey burgers for our Fourth of July party.  You would have thought I had doused the flag in kerosene and put it on the grill.  I was deemed unpatriotic.  Even my devoted father joined in the mutiny, calling out “Happy Thanksgiving!” as everyone came through the buffet.  I learned the hard way that if you can catch it and kill it with your bare hands, it is not worthy of your Fourth of July table!

Personally, I am grateful for the kick-a$$ mentality of our brave forefathers and foremothers!  I have realized the error of my ways and will never again serve a wimpy meat for this momentous day. 

Best wishes for a safe, happy, not-too healthy holiday!!